Check out the second story in our new series on parenting journeys! This guest post was written by Alexis Bruce, who works at Moms Mental Health Initiative, a Milwaukee-based organization that helps parents navigate postpartum experiences and perinatal mental health. MMHI helps connect parents with needed resources - providers, peer support, and other services.

Trigger Warning: Please be aware that Alexis’ story includes some topics that may be triggering to some, including traumatic birth, NICU time, and intrusive thoughts.

Hey there! My name is Alexis Bruce. I am honored that Emily, my friend and colleague, asked me to write a guest post for her blog. Let me tell you a little about me! I am a mom, wife, sister and friend. I love running, snuggling with my babies and alone time. I went to college to teach middle or high school English; however, when does life really work out like we’ve planned? After the traumatic birth of my youngest and my battle with postpartum-OCD, I discovered my true passion...being an advocate for moms, connecting them to resources they need (and deserve!) and supporting their mental health during pregnancy and postpartum. I am proud to work for an incredible non-profit, Moms Mental Health Initiative, where I get to do this important work every day. 

I have always wanted to be a mom; I think many women can say that. At the same time, most of us have an idealistic view of what pregnancy and motherhood will look and feel like. My first pregnancy was pretty textbook. Aside from being diagnosed with gestational diabetes, everything went as planned. When my first son was born, I was ready for “the moment”. The one I’d seen on TV and friends had told me about when you see your baby for the first time -- the stars align, the world stops and you feel a love unlike anything you’ve ever known. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for me. And, when it didn’t, just moments into motherhood, I felt like a failure. My OB held up my sweet baby boy, introduced me to my son and...I felt nothing. I remember my husband crying joyful tears next to me all the while, I felt completely numb. What was wrong with me!? I felt isolated by my thoughts and feelings. Certainly, I couldn’t tell anyone how I really felt. Doing so would be outing myself and telling the world that I wasn’t a good mom and didn’t deserve this beautiful, healthy baby. Thankfully, each day, I fell more and more in love with my son. The bond didn’t happen immediately but when it arrived, I completely understood what others had shared with me. 

When my first son was 8 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I was devastated. I was not physically or emotionally ready to be pregnant or to have another baby. My husband tried to highlight the positives, “they will be best buddies!”, “this is awesome!”. I cried almost every day that first month. I felt awful for pushing my first son out of the nest so soon, we didn’t have the space, I didn’t have the energy, the list goes on and on. At the same time, I felt extreme guilt. Having many friends who were struggling to conceive, I felt like a terrible person for not being overjoyed about the blessing of another baby on the way. 

From eleven weeks on, Leo made his presence known. He was constantly punching, kicking and dancing and I was constantly uncomfortable. While part of me was ready to be done being pregnant, I could never have prepared for experiencing a placental abruption at 33 weeks. I was home alone with my older son and it was, without a doubt, the scariest day of my life. I thank God every day that my beautiful Leo (and I!) survived. Diving headfirst into my role as NICU mom to a preemie, I took the role seriously. Without thinking or realizing it, I put the trauma I experienced aside and went into full-on survival mode for my littlest guy. It was a turbulent, exhausting rollercoaster and Leo was extremely high maintenance to say the least! And though we made it through, when Leo’s health improved at around 7 months old, I crumbled. It was almost like a switch flipped in my brain. My son was safe and healthy and now I needed to deal with the trauma I experienced. 

Seemingly overnight, I began to experience horrifying, debilitating intrusive thoughts. The thoughts were specific, vivid and nearly constant. I could not eat, sleep or, worst of all, be in the presence of my children. I was terrified to be alone with them. I had thoughts like “what if I stab them?”, “what if I drown them?”, “what if I go crazy and no one is here to stop me before I do something terrible?”. The fear and shame I felt was crushing. No one ever shared with me that intrusive thoughts happen to many moms and, as a result, I felt trapped and terrified. I questioned myself, and my husband, daily wondering if I should admit myself to a hospital. My fear of my children being taken from me prevented me from doing so. I truly believed I would be like the moms I’d seen on the news. Therefore, I avoided my children in an effort to keep them safe...from their own mother. I didn’t trust myself and yet it was my job to protect them no matter what. 

In desperation, I turned to Google and found Postpartum Support International. The PSI coordinator I chatted with quickly connected me to Sarah at Moms Mental Health Initiative. Both women were incredible. They told me that I was not alone, that help was available and that I would get better. For the first time, I had hope. 

From there, it was hard work. Learning to neutralize my intrusive thoughts by challenging them and proving them to be false through a specific therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). With ERP and proper medication management, I started to feel like, and trust, myself again. Looking back, the hardest part of becoming a parent was living through all the shit I could have never even imagined and being completely unprepared. I’d read the books, talked with my OB, friends, loved ones yet none of it prepared me for what becoming a mom looked like for me. 

If you are reading this, please know that your experience may, or may not, be what you anticipated. The journey into and through motherhood is messy and unpredictable. If something feels off, listen to that. You deserve to enjoy this special time in your life and help IS available should you need it. Please don’t ever feel like you aren’t good enough, not doing enough or not being the mom you think you should be. You are. You are everything your baby needs. You are stronger than you think and, if you are still in the darkness, the light will shine again. Reach out. Have faith. It will get better. YOU will get better.

Alexis is 100% right: if you are struggling, reach out. Things can get better!

Connect with MMHI here or schedule a consult to talk to a therapist at ERA here.