Feel the Feels
FEEL THE FEELS.
You might hear us say that pretty often, either on social media or in session.
BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? And WHY would I want to do that, that sounds literally terrible?
Let me tell you….
A lot of us have spent many years, decades, even an entire lifetime avoiding feeling our feelings. It can become so deeply engrained that we don’t even know what our feelings are anymore - and truly have no clue what to do with them.
But, really, that just makes things harder. When we don’t truly deal with the feelings that come up, they fester and stick around, even if we think we’ve shoved them down far enough. (See this cartoon by Revelatori, because it’s the hard truth.)
So here’s a step by step intro into learning to feel the feels….
1. Accept that feelings are necessary.
Are they annoying? Sometimes. Are they frustrating and overwhelming? Yup. But our goal in life (and in therapy) is not to have no feelings. Our goal is to be able to tolerate the FULL range of feelings, basically increasing our emotional range.
Do we want to decrease or shrink some feelings? Yup, we do. Panic attacks aren’t fun, we don’t want that for anybody. But some anxiety is normal and necessary as a human. Never feeling any anxiety again is neither reasonable nor possible. But we DO want to decrease your fear of having anxiety again - so that when you do inevitably feel a twinge of it, your brain isn’t off to the races worrying about how bad it’s going to get. We want to increase your ability to moderate and manage your feelings.
2. Know what your feelings are and name them.
I know. It sounds basic. You’re probably like um, duh, Emily, I know what feelings are and I don’t like them I would much rather make them stop. But really, do you know how those feelings feel for YOU? What does anxiety really feel like, and how is it different than excitement? Is the root feeling anger, or is it sadness or loneliness? You can actually say it out loud to yourself. “That emotion is anger” “I am feeling sadness”, etc. Many people actually also really struggle with emotions that are “positive” - like joy, accomplishment, and connection. Can you notice those?
3. Notice what’s going on in your body.
What are the physical sensations that come along with different emotions? Where do you feel joy? What do you notice when you feel sadness? Connect with your body and how emotions play out for you physically. I often suggest that people pause and take a deep breath. Drop your attention down into your body instead of in your head. Truly BE in your body for a moment and notice what’s there.
Spoiler alert - a LOT of people are surprised when they do this and there may be stuff that you find that you weren’t aware of before - that’s normal, and it’s exactly why we want you to try it.
4. Center yourself in non-judgement.
Your feelings don’t have morality attached to them. They aren’t good or bad, they just are. Try to steer your thoughts from judgements that may come up, like “I shouldn’t feel that way” or “I hate that I’m so anxious”. Feelings just ARE. We don’t have to like them, we don’t have to want them to stick around, but accepting that they are what they are can go a long way.
All of your feelings are valid. No matter how strong they are or if anyone else agrees with them.
They.
Are.
Valid.
You’re not too much if you have really strong feelings. Your feelings aren’t wrong if nobody else gets them. They just are.
5. Give the feeling time to pass.
According to the work of neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a stress reaction (emotion) in our body only physiologically lasts about 90 seconds. That’s how long it takes for the hormones to flood our system and then dissipate.
I know, I know. You’re like, “Um excuse me Emily, my feelings last a whole lot longer than that!” Of course they can, because when we start feeling that emotion, we jump in head first with the judgement of ourselves and recollection of times that we’ve felt this way before. Are you failing if your emotions last longer than 90 seconds? Absolutely not. Sometimes they’re going to and that’s ok. All of those patterns are valid and a lot of us have them. But - it can be helpful to know that if you are able to be in the feeling and give it time to complete it’s cycle - then it’s gone.
We use similar lines of thought in both Brainspotting and ERP. The point is tolerating some of that distress, noticing what’s happening, and learning that we CAN handle what comes up if we let ourselves (again, working on increasing that emotional range we talked about earlier).
6. Express Yourself.
Let that emotion truly work its way out. Maybe that’s listening to music and dancing, maybe it’s art, maybe it’s telling someone how you feel. Doing something with the feeling can help it come full circle. It’s not a secret, your emotions aren’t too much, and you don’t have to keep them to yourself.