As we enter the new year, I have been thinking alot about the idea of failure. In January, many people start crafting goals and new year's resolutions. Of course, we create a goal in the hopes of achieving it by year's end, but what happens when we don’t? Failure, or the inability to reach a goal in a specific amount of time is a part of life. As a therapist, I think it is often in our best interest to accept this reality, and to do our best to separate our view of ourselves from our failures. We as people didn’t fail, the goal did. Now what?

1. Try not to internalize failure.

   Remind yourself that you are not your failures. It can be easy to beat ourselves up after we view ourselves as having failed. It’s a normal way of coping and trying to give ourselves the illusion of control. While this can be a normal reaction, it’s not healthy for us, and may actually hinder us from reaching future goals. Depending on the nature of our failure, it may feel like a loss, and it’s ok to take some time to grieve. Try to feel your emotions without judgment and exercise some self-compassion towards yourself. 

2. Reevaluate your goal.

   We may have had a strong desire to achieve our goal in a specific amount of time. However, sometimes the timeframes we create aren’t realistic. Try to give yourself grace and regroup. What would be a realistic amount of time to give yourself to attempt the goal again? Did you give yourself enough time before? Achieving a goal is only realistic if we a) give ourselves enough time, b) map out all the changes we need to make and make sure they are realistic, and c) we are actually motivated to put in the work to reach the goal. Check out last year's blog “SMART GOALS” for assistance reevaluating your goal into something that gives you the best chance at success. Failure is not fun, but rather than viewing it as being sentenced to stagnancy, view it as an opportunity to start over, and try something new.

3. Reframe your failure.

   It may be helpful to attempt to find positivity in failure. First, failure can show us what we care about, and can give us a unique lens to view our values. Caring, or having an emotional reaction to our failure can be proof that we are invested in life and in personal betterment. We set a goal, something we likely were passionate about, cared enough to take some steps towards achieving that goal, but something went awry in the process. Was it something in our control? Can we reevaluate the goal to make it more achievable? It’s also possible there were environmental factors or something beyond our control which made achieving it impossible, or much harder. Through this reflection we can figure out what went wrong, and how we can set ourselves up for success next time.

It is my hope that we do not let our failures define us, but rather the effort we put in, the values we have, and the things we DID accomplish. Remember that goals can shift, and they can change. If we are working on a goal, and realize it is not serving us anymore, or decide it is not realistic, then there is no shame in changing or shifting it. Goals are there to serve us, and help us live our values, not the other way around. Each goal you set is just one component of the work you do each day to bring you closer to your most fulfilling life.

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