Keeping the Spark All Year Long
Valentine’s Day has come and gone.
That can lead to two trains of thought: one being “well, I guess that’s the end of romance until maybe our anniversary or next Valentine’s Day” and the other being “glad we got that out of the way!” The first has the feeling of disappointment; this person may be craving connection. The second has the feeling of relief; this person might feel pressured to meet an expectation. Oftentimes, these two people are in a relationship. This creates dissonance and distance. This can lead to hurt feelings, resentment, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness.
So let’s flip the script and keep that effort rolling!
Don’t get me wrong, Valentine’s Day can be a great day to express love and appreciation with our partners. My encouragement is that love and appreciation doesn’t, and shouldn’t, end on February 15.
A strong romantic relationship takes consistent effort. Extra effort, like what we do on Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, are welcome and lovely, but it’s the consistent effort that wins the race. Why? Because consistency in most things is beneficial. We can’t do one sit-up and expect 6-pack abs immediately. Consistency is required. Same with relationships.
Now do we need chocolates and roses on a regular basis? Not necessarily. Showing consistency in relationships does not have to be grand gestures. In fact, I would encourage us all to save the grand gestures for the bigger days or moments such as Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries. But you CAN show effort on a daily, weekly, and even longer term basis and set your relationship up for long-term success. Think about what might feel like love and effort to your partner - and challenge yourself to implement some of these ideas on a regular basis, or even come up with your own!
On a daily basis, try:
Words
“You look nice today.”
“I appreciate you cleaning the kitchen (or whatever else they may have assisted with recently).”
“I noticed that you made an extra effort to …”
“I’m proud of you.”
“It was great to see you doing …”
“I smiled when you …”
“Thank you for the extra hug.”
“Thank you for listening to me talk about that hard moment at work/home/school.”
Leave a sweet note in their lunch or in their car
Actions
Give an extra hug
Sit together on the couch in the evening
Put your phones away when having a conversation
Share a spontaneous kiss
Flirt
Bring home a small treat when stopping at the store or gas station
Turn on mutually enjoyable music while home together
Weekly effort ideas include:
Date nights at home (watching a movie together, playing a board game, working on a puzzle together, cooking together, dessert picnic in the living room, looking at pictures together)
Date nights out (dinner at favorite restaurant, dinner at a new restaurant, bowling, movie theater, miniature golf, hike)
Offer a massage
Take the intimacy up a notch from a kiss or hug
Work on a project together
Learn something new together
And on an even longer term basis, this next idea may be more challenging but it is also highly rewarding:
At least once a year, try to get away together for a night. A night away can do wonders for you both. Getting out of the house, a break from the kids or pets, and exploring new places can really reignite the spark. I am not suggesting anything extravagant, a staycation can be just as fun as going to a new city. Our stress level can decrease when we are in a place that we don’t have to tidy or maintain, food is cooked for us, and we don’t have to clean it up. Our sense of enjoyment increases when our stress level decreases. The ability to have fun increases when we are engaging in something new with our partner. Could this also be stressful? Sure, but it is “good stress” - that results in stretching and growing.