My husband and I have been conducting an experiment of sorts in our home lately. Results have been more positive than negative or neutral. This is an ongoing practice in our home- with each other and with our kids. It’s one tool in our toolbox, certainly not an end-all-be-all.

We’ve been giving focus to our kids’ Love Languages.

Maybe you’ve heard of Love Languages in adult romantic relationships. That is where the concept by Gary Chapman was born and utilized. Did you know that you can use similar concepts with kids?! The concept remains the same, and practice looks different.

The Love Languages are quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifs, acts of service, and physical touch. The core of the concept doesn’t change from kids, teens, or adults. How they are implemented is what is adjusted.

Quality Time

Quality Time with kids looks pretty similar to adults- spending time with each other! More specifically, it’s spending one-on-one time with each other. It’s giving your kiddo undivided attention. Kids who speak Quality Time as their Love Language may say “look at this!” or “come here, I want to show you something!” or “play with me!” Quality Time with kids can be as simple as responding to these types of requests for a few minutes, undivided playtime with them, special “dates” with parents, or dedicated time for conversation each day. Think smarter, not harder with Quality Time.

Now, there does need to be a balance. Quality Time does not have to mean ignoring your own responsibilities as a parent, ignoring the other children in the house, or answering to every request. Teachable moments still exist! I can’t speak to the balance to achieve because it’s going to vary from home to home.

Our oldest daughter speaks Quality Time at our house. She is my husband’s daughter, my stepdaughter. And she craves Quality Time with her Dad when she is with us, because the time is limited. In all honesty, Quality Time is not easy for my husband; he is that type of person who doesn’t slow down, getting all the tasks done, preparing for what is to come, and cleaning up. It has been a massive shift for him to chill. He incorporates Quality Time with his daughter by giving her a few extra minutes at bedtime, praising her when she works hard on her homework, and letting her help with tasks around the house. I give her Quality Time by letting her come grocery shopping with me (she is such a huge help, too!), and when she rides in my car, we take turns choosing which songs we want to listen to during the ride.

Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation also looks similar to kids as adults- hearing positive praise, compliments, and acknowledging accomplishments. Kids who speak Words of Affirmation are the kids who beam when you give them praise, and smile the biggest when you verbally acknowledge them. Expressing Words to kids can look like sweet messages in their lunchbox, telling them that you see what they have accomplished, expressing to them how much they mean to you.

Kids who speak Words as their Love Language can feel intense hurt with negative conversation such as “I love you, but…” So correcting kids who speak Words of Affirmation can be like walking a tightrope. This is where we as parents need to find the balance of giving the kids their Words of Affirmation, while still teaching them and implementing consequences. Again, this is a unique balance that will look different for everyone.

Both of our sons are Words of Affirmation kids. They beam with positive communication, and crumble with criticism. As a parent, let me tell you, this can be really tough. We never want to see our children crumble, yet they also need to learn life lessons! The way we are trying to achieve this balance is to give our boys Words of Affirmation often and without condition. This looks like positively praising them “out of the blue” along with when they do something positive (like clean their room well, play nicely with their siblings, have good manners). When we need to offer correction or consequence, we do so in a gentle-ish manner such as “hitting your sister is not okay, someone gets hurt. There are better ways to get what you need other than hitting. You are a great kid and we love you. What is a different way you can get what you need other than hitting?”

Receiving Gifts

Those who speak Receiving Gifts as their Love Language don’t care as much about the actual gift, but the meaning behind it. They want to know you are thinking about them when you are not physically with them. They want to feel important and seen. Those who speak Gifts are the people who remember the occasion for the gift. They see how beautifully it is wrapped.

Acts of Service

This may be a tough one to identify because, let’s be real, as parents we do A LOT of Acts of Service. So decoding this as your kid’s Love Language can be tricky. Kids who speak Acts of Service may do or say things like “tie my shoe, mama” (even if they have been tying their own shoes for a while) or “can you get my blankie” (even though they can do it themselves). Kids who speak Acts of Service are looking more for thoughtful gestures than servitude. 

So how do you find the balance with this one?? First, you don’t have to respond to every single request. It’s okay to say “I am happy to tie your shoes today, and next time I am so excited to see you tie them.” If you find yourself doing all the things that your kiddo is capable of doing, be mindful and recalibrate. Find your own balance of meeting their Acts of Service request, while also encouraging independence.

Physical Touch

Physical Touch for kids is certainly going to look different than with adults. For adults, a lot of us go straight to more romantic touching (even though it is so much more than that even for adults). Physical Touch for kids should never be sexual. 

Kids who speak Physical Touch are the kids who are constantly climbing all over you, wanting hugs, clinging to your side. Meeting Physical Touch requests can be a lot for parents, we can start to feel “touched out.” Find small ways to meet your kid’s Physical Touch needs like a hug when you get home, sitting close or snuggling at bedtime, or high fives throughout the day. Physical Touch is also a Language that will need adjusting with the kids’ ages to keep things developmentally appropriate.

So why put focus on these concepts? First, because we all want to feel loved. Second, this concept can serve as a proactive approach to parenting (fill their buckets), as well as a way to be mindful when being reactive (when correction is needed).

In all realities, we all need all of the Love Languages addressed in one way or another. The frequency very much depends on the person. Focusing on the top Language has helped our home, and we do make efforts to address all of the Language with our kids. But let’s be real, we have 4 kids, 2 of which we only have part-time, so meeting all the Languages all the time doesn’t always happen. And that’s okay. Progress over perfection.

Your next steps? Give thought to what your kid’s/kids’ Love Language(s) might be based on my examples given, or do some of your own research. Think of ways to meet their Language.