How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays
Grief Sucks. Plain and simple. Nothing about grief is fun.
Grief during the holidays?
Sucks even more.
How do I know? First, I’m living it. Second, I am pretty aware of how American society lacks knowledge around anything grief-related. Third, I’ve studied grief clinically-speaking.
What can grief look like?
Grief is really complex. It rarely looks the same from person to person, or even experience to experience, which makes it even more difficult.
For me, grief is memory loss, bouts of sadness, triggers of tough memories, fatigue, and just feeling blah. For others it may be high anxiety, staying in bed all day, trouble concentrating, irritability, poor sleep, poor appetite, body tension, heightened stress tolerance, and so much more.
Grief also doesn’t have to be about someone dying. People are grieving another holiday season without a baby. Another year unable to see family. Another year of not getting that promotion at work. Another year of just scraping by financially. Another year in a marriage that needs work. Another year where anxiety or depression is so heavy and it feels unbearable. Another year the kids won’t come home to visit.
Why does grief feel worse during the holidays?
Grief during the holidays can feel different than “normal” grief because there are expectations.
The holidays are “supposed” to be a happy, joy-filled, care-free, and a beautiful, loving time of year - yet grief rarely looks like that. So we are presented with the presence of multiple different emotions at once: Sadness while being happy. Stressed while trying to be care-free. Missing someone while enjoying something. Not hungry when there is so much food. Tired when we are supposed to be getting rest from being off work.
No wonder this is a lot to handle!
We are often ill-equipped to feel all these different emotions at the same time. That weird feeling that comes with those conflicting emotions in the same space? That’s grief. It’s so many emotions - often conflicting - occupying and even suffocating our space all at once.
And then sometimes grief can feel manageable or tolerable or barely there. And that’s okay, too.
Here’s the thing about grief and our society:
For the longest time, most people thought the grieving period ended with the funeral or a couple of weeks after the news was made known.
Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. A lot of people stop checking in once the funeral is over, or once the grieving person looks “fine”, and that’s just not the case.
My effort here is to let those of us who are struggling know you are seen.
I see you. I feel for you. I support you. Because I am you. I’ve been walking this path. Sometimes stumbling along the way, barely able to keep my head above water. Sometimes moving along effortlessly because things are fine.
What Can I Do to Cope With my Grief During the Holidays?
When my grief is heavy, I try to slow down because my tendency is to avoid, distract, and wait for the moment to pass, which rarely works. So I slow down by acknowledging and validating my thoughts, then I assess what I need. Do I need quiet time? Do I need connection time? Do I need to eat or hydrate? Do I need to shift my thoughts to positive memories of my loved one?
When your grief feels heavy, ask yourself: “what do I need?” If you don’t know, that’s okay! There is no time like the present to take some time to find the answers to that question.
Here are some ideas to try:
Eat! Please get some nutrition in you.
Hydrate! Don’t get too dehydrated, that only makes things worse.
Move your body. Get up to walk around, do some yoga, do some stretching. Do what you normally do for exercise or what feels best. Don’t overdo it, but don’t be a bump on a log either.
Rest. When your body says rest, do so. Now, not later.
Try not to isolate yourself. Reach out to trusted people. Connect with others. Connect with your spiritual leader.
Start therapy. There’s no time like the present! Grief doesn’t end. But it can feel more manageable. Let’s find ways to make it feel more manageable.
What Can I Do to Help Someone Else Who is Grieving During the Holidays?
My other effort is to encourage those who are able to support others in this season to do so. Check in on that person who is coming to mind. Maybe their loss was years ago or maybe it was last week. Check in on them however feels natural for you.
Say their loved one’s name. You’re not going to make them more sad.
Offer to share a memory or story. Trust me, they want to hear it.
Let them know you are thinking of them and are available if needed or wanted, but you don’t expect anything in return. “No need to respond, just wanted to let you know I’m here if you need to chat.”
Validate! “What you are going through really sucks.” DO NOT veer in to “at least….” territory.
Offer specific ways to support such as “I am baking cookies on ___, care to join me?” or “I am wrapping gifts later this week, can I pick up anything you need wrapped?” or “I am free on ___, can I watch the kids for a bit?” You can also offer a seat at your table, to shovel their driveway, or a night of babysitting.
Drop off some snacks or a meal. And don’t stay unless you’re invited in.
Be okay if they cancel or say no. It has nothing to do with you.