Self Care as a Step Parent
The concept, idea, and practice of self care is pretty prevalent nowadays. Many of us know how important it is to take care of ourselves! Self care helps us in so many ways - mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. I can imagine that for an average person, when they hear “self care,” they can think of a few things to try and how they’d like to do it. But as a step-parent, does self care feel a little bit …different…?
It is really quite a shame that there are still stigmas in our society around step-parents and blended families. Remember that typical “evil step mother” character? I will also call out that there are heavier stigmas and expectations around step-mothers than step-fathers. That is truly another post for another day, but still very much worth mentioning.
Self care is a tricky concept for parents overall - but as step-moms are often not treated fairly in the blended family dynamic, self-care can be even harder to access.
Much like in a presentation when presenters have to disclose anything, here is my disclosure: I am a step-mom. I am also a biological mom. My husband is a biological dad, and a step-dad. Yes, we cover multiple parenting titles. Our blended family dynamic is somewhat unique - we always have kids at home. My husband’s kids share placement whereas my kids are with us 100% of the time. The point: I am very much living in what I am sharing here now and I deeply understand how tricky these dynamics can feel.
It can be easy and frequent to hear or get the message that step-moms “knew what they were getting into” (or the like) when entering a relationship where kids were present. Sure, but also, NO. Let’s break that wall down because it is doing no one any good. Any parent deserves, and needs, time for self-care. If we can’t take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to take care of these little dependent humans?!
Make a Plan for Self Care
If you are feeling like you are not getting the time or support for self-care, make your need known!
Identify what you need and want when it comes to self-care including time, cadence, activity, and means. When you have some of those ideas, find a time to sit down with your partner to discuss your wants and needs, and also listen to what they have to say. This needs to be a two-way conversation, and is going to require really working with your partner to figure it out.
When you get the details figured out, implement the plan!
Dearest step-parent, don’t back down now. Do what you need to do for you! For your partner AND for your family. One may be surprised how many people make a plan, then don’t follow through on it. Not you, not today ;)
Give the plan a month.
Get your self-care in, make sure your partner is doing what they need to do for themselves, and the cherry on top is also getting a monthly date night accomplished. This likely sounds more daunting than it is, so don’t get shy. You got this.
Regroup and process.
After a month has passed, come together as a couple again and talk about how things went, how you both feel, any changes that need to be made, or if things can stay the same.
Things to remember on this journey:
Self-care is not “disengaging.”
Self-care is giving back to yourself, filling your cup (that is likely drained rather quickly), and tending to your own needs. Disengaging is removing oneself. So while you may physically leave the home for self-care or mentally create space, it is not disengaging from your family. The point is to feel good in the time you are with your family by nurturing your own needs first.
Self-care can change.
Maybe exercise feels good this week, and maybe finding a quiet (as in zero noise) place to sit feels good the next. Don’t be rigid with yourself, listen to what your mind and body are saying and adapt as needed. Self care also doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming or look a certain way - it is whatever feels good to you.
Self-care can mean finding your village.
Step-parenting can be really isolating. Recall that stigma that I just can’t stop mentioning?! Finding your village and leaning into it when needed or wanted is its own form of self-care.
Please, do not feel guilty for engaging in self-care. You. Need. It.
Other people might have opinions on how you spend your time. They aren’t you, they don’t get to decide what is right for you, and their opinions don’t dictate the choices you make in caring for yourself and your family.
As an addition, do not feel guilty for spending time alone with your partner.
There is a special form of grief around not having the opportunity to know your partner prior to kids. It’s a hurt that can run really deep. (And if you need help processing that hurt, let’s talk because I am here for you.) It is so important to foster your relationship with your partner as just the two of you. In a blended family, you are pulled in more and different directions than a traditional two parent household. There are more opportunities for relationship ruptures, and it’s extra important to continue strengthening your foundation.
When things get hard, try to remember the model you are setting for the child(ren) in your home.
You are showing them that taking care of yourself is important. They get to see that they are important, but so are we as individuals, and so are marriages. You’re also allowed to make mistakes, apologize, refocus, and change your mind.
The kids are settled back into school (and we haven’t yet hit the holiday chaos), which can give families some much-needed structure - so now is a great time to start a self-care routine, revamp your routine, or revive your routine.
On those hard days, remember: This is important work you are doing, step-parent. I see you, and I am right here with you!
Jeni Everts Beier, LPC, PMH-C