This month, we are putting our focus on joy, finding joy, feeling joy, and anything joyful in between. But what happens when things feel less than joyful, when things fall apart, or go sideways? How can we find joy in grief? In stress? In neutrality?

Let me start off by saying a lot of what you are about to read comes from a clinical perspective (I am a therapist, after all), and it also comes from a personal perspective (I am a human, too). I have walked, well have been walking, a journey of grief since 2017. Then again in 2022. I have been walking an unknown-to-me path of blended family since 2019. My life has gone sideways in directions I didn’t think were possible until I was living them. And while I have felt sad (unbelievably sad), mad, confused, stressed, anxious, and annoyed, I have also felt happy, calm, excited, surprised (in good ways), and okay/baseline.

The point I’m trying to make and help us all try to understand is that conflicting emotions can exist in the same space. It may feel really weird. Maybe a little uncomfortable. Probably confusing. But when we can understand what’s going on, and how to shift focus when needed, feeling conflicting feelings simultaneously can be empowering. Prioritizing our joy in the midst of other difficult emotions can bring some feelings of control back - which is exactly what we need when everything feels unpredictable.

Finding Joy in Sadness

I can already hear you, “Jeni, this makes no sense. If I am sad, how can I feel joy?” Hear me out! First, I give you permission to feel sad. Cry the tears that need to come out. Indulge in Ben & Jerry’s. Watch that sappy movie. Or true crime, whatever floats your boat. Sadness is a valid emotion. Feel it for a bit, but don’t get stuck there. How? Shift your focus. Shift your thoughts. Move your body. Hydrate. Maybe shift your thoughts to something neutral, first. Something that feels okay. Then shift them to joy. What puts a smile on your face? For me, I go to gratitude. I think about the things I am thankful for. Then, I get outside. Fresh air is magical. It brings the oxygen our brains need. It brings us to the present moment.

Finding Joy in Anger

Be happy when mad? To be honest, this one can be tricky! Anger is a powerful emotion. It gets big fast, it sticks around for a while, it can suck the air from a room. Anger can feel like a slippery slope. Once the spark is lit, it’s game on! But what if it wasn’t? What if joy could intercept anger? Talk about power! The tool to use in this situation is to connect to small moments of joy. Got a funny video on your phone? Watch it. Turn on one of your favorite uplifting songs and dance out the anger. Eat a piece of chocolate. Small things add up. Slowly the spark of anger will fade and you will feel better.

Finding Joy in Stress

Stress seems to be a normal part of life for most of us. Sometimes stress serves a purpose for the positive (think getting things done). Unfortunately, stress is also a negative part of life. When stress feels not so great, it can be really easy to wallow in it. We can let things go to the wayside because things are just too stressful! Enter joy. Bring joy in to balance things out. I’m going to suggest going outside again. Why? Two reasons. First, fresh air is magical. Second, getting outside can really help us bring our focus back to the present moment. When we are stressed, it’s hard to be present. Therefore, getting back to the present can help relieve stress. When you are out there, shift your thoughts to gratitude, joy, or lighthearted. I will do a few yoga sun salutations when I need a reset from stress to joy. Moving my body outside while focusing on the breath really helps my brain to chill out.

Finding Joy in Anxiety

This is a fun one. This is one that a lot of us will mask with “I’m good! I’m taking care of myself. I’m not anxious!” Meanwhile heart rates are high, cortisol is flowing in the blood, thoughts are racing or intrusive, and we are anything but fine. Anxiety can have a time and place! Getting chased by a bear? Anxiety will save your life. But is a bear chasing you right now? Probably not. So while anxiety is a tool, it’s not one to use too much. It’s important to find the balance of finding true joy within anxiety as opposed to using joy to cover up anxiety. When feeling anxious and wanting to reframe or refocus, I am going to suggest that first, take a break. Take a minute (or five) to lower your nervous system. Something else that is super beneficial is reaching out to someone. Humans are social creatures and we need connection. Reach out to have someone be a listening ear for you. Or maybe you can be that person. Helping someone is like double-connection. We can feel joy when we bring a new parent lunch.