Really?! Me, too! Did you ever think you’d be caring for child(ren) that aren’t biologically yours? Because I didn’t. And that is okay.

It makes no difference how you became a Stepmom. We all have our own stories of the journey. What we share are the trials, tribulations, and successes in our beautifully blended families.

In full disclosure, I had no idea what I was getting into when I married my husband who has kids from a previous marriage. I have no Stepmom figures in my life. I loved the movie “Stepmom” but that’s not really a model to follow. So I read anything I could get my hands on. They helped in various ways. Here are my tips from my lived experience as well as my research on the subject (which is in no way exhaustive):

Communication

Communication can be a work in progress and different for everyone. In our situation, my husband and I discuss all the things. I never talk to his former wife. I have her phone number, I know where she lives, we know each other, but in our situation, all communication is between my husband and his former wife, then me and my husband. He is like our spokesperson. Do I wish it was different? Honestly, yes. I have heard that other families have a group text or email so everyone is in the know at the same time. We might get there, we might not.

Patience

A tough thing to swallow is the amount of time and effort it takes to blend a family. We aren’t 7 years (the time experts say it takes to blend a family) into it, but I am pretty sure it is going to take that long to get in a groove. The stepkids are going to want their parents to be together. As the Stepmom, you will be brushed to the side more times you can count. Does that hurt? ABSOLUTELY! But as a Stepmom, you probably already have some tough skin.

Always remember to have patience for yourself, your partner, your partner’s former partner, your kids, your stepkids, your new in-laws. If there is a patience tea out there, buy it by the truckload. And tell me where you found it because I will also get a truckload.

Strong Emotions

Another thing to not feel bad about is if you don’t instantly fall in love with the stepkids, and vice versa. Again, time and patience. As long as effort still exists, affection will come along. This might mean way more effort on your part, and that’s okay, too. Especially if the stepkids are older. Pre-teens and teenagers tend to hold in and hold back a lot more. Keep the door to yourself open and welcoming.

Date Your Spouse

I’m serious. Continue to date your husband well after the marriage certificate is signed and filed. It is so important to stay connected together as a couple so you can stay strong for the family. Kids benefit from seeing their parents/step parents happily together. My husband and I go on a date once per month. It’s usually dinner out (and almost always at the same restaurant, but who’s judging). We don’t go out when we have his kids, by choice, though the kids know when we aren’t home. My kids are aware that we are going away for the evening and have adjusted just fine.

Boundaries

I save the toughest piece for last. Intentionally. There will be no ifs, ands, or buts about setting boundaries between homes. Boundaries may cause conflict (I cannot tell a lie). Not all conflict is bad! Loop back to having strong communication. Strong communication will only help the boundaries. One must remember that boundaries can change. But only when everyone is in agreement with said change.

I tend to work with blended families the most when boundaries either become too loose, don’t exist, or are causing tense conflict. Boundaries are everywhere, and are of the utmost importance in blended families.