Hard Days
Today has been a hard day for me. And quite honestly, it’s been a rough week. Spoiler alert - therapists have rough periods too. And this week is it for me. It’s one of those times where one thing after another just keeps happening, and you don’t have enough time to process and deal with one thing before the next one smacks you in the face. I have good coping skills and I know all the things to do - but sometimes stuff just sucks.
So what do you do when the hard shit happens but you don’t have the option of hiding in your bed and not coming out until next month? Like many others, I have a full day of work today that I need to show up for - and show up well, not just half assed. Nobody wants to see a therapist that’s half assing it. I need to attend to and support people, and you most likely do too, whether it’s as a therapist or a partner or a parent. Shutting down from life just isn’t an option for most of us, no matter what you’re doing.
Here’s what I do….
Cry
Yes, seriously. I let that emotion well up and out. Release the pressure valve. Also life pro tip: the longer you keep that valve closed the more the pressure will build. You’re not an Instant Pot. Don’t do that to yourself. Keep the valve opening regularly. Regularly releasing that pressure serves a few purposes - it gives you the expectation that when something tough happens you’ll be able to release it soon (which can make it a little more tolerable) and it keeps that pressure from exploding out of you when you don’t want it to.
Acknowledge things are shitty
This one has been a game changer for me. I let myself just be upset for a bit. Sometimes it’s just a minute, sometimes it’s longer. I accept that things are overwhelming right now. I don’t try to immediately fix it, I don’t try to change how I feel or shove the emotion down. I just acknowledge that things suck. The acknowledgement helps me feel like I’m doing something about it and makes things feel more manageable. A lot of us are taught (either explicitly or implicitly) that whenever we have a negative emotion we need to make it go away. It’s just a feeling. Feelings are for feeling.
Talk to someone
Guys, find friends or a partner that you can complain to. It makes such a huge difference to have someone validate that things are hard and let you say the things you need to say and not try to fix things for you unless you ask. And you’ll do the same for them when it’s their turn to have things suck. Rely on one another. Also good friends usually tell you you’re awesome so that always helps too.
Give myself grace
OK I know this is my answer for just about everything, but that’s because its so so true. It’s easy for me to expect myself to be able to handle everything. I literally teach people how to do that. But that doesn’t make it easy to do it in times of stress, and it sure does not stop the stress from happening. I have to work at it, and so will you. But I also know that if I can do it - so can you. You’re doing your best, and that is good enough.
Look for the good
I was feeling crummy while writing this, and then a friend texted me with some wonderful news. It helped pull me out of the funk and adjust my perception to focus on other things going on and not just these few hard things that feel really overwhelming right now. Your friend may not spontaneously text you when you feel like crap (although it would be super cool if they did), but you can seek out positive things or do something you enjoy.
Keep going
All of these steps are basically just reframing the suckiness in your mind. You’re processing it and adjusting your perception of what is happening. This enables you to get out of panic/emotion/reflex mode and back into your logical brain, where you can come up with viable solutions, and keep on keepin’ on. We want to retrain your brain to remain calm and peaceful amidst stress instead of jumping into a stress response.
The crappy stuff isn’t going to magically just disappear, but taking control of how you handle it can make it feel a lot more tolerable. And that gives us some hope that maybe tomorrow will suck a little bit less.
