Sometimes when we are with our partners for a while, the “spark” starts to fade.

That is totally normal!

But sometimes it sucks.

Lots of things contribute to the spark getting more dim. Busy work schedules. Pregnancy. Childbirth. Kids. Stress. Anxiety. Depression. Differing schedules. Less connection. Physically lowered libido. Changing bodies. Changing hormones. The list is endless.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way!

Really, though. The spark can be re-lit. The fun of dating can be found again. It might look or feel different. And that’s okay!

Different isn’t bad. Different is just different.

Okay, Jeni. How do we reignite the spark?!

Connect on a deeper level.

Making dinner? Be around each other and have some meaningful conversations. Doing yard work? Talk while pulling those weeds. Binge watching another show (no judgment)? Before the next episode starts, share what you liked or didn’t like from the last episode.

We often think it’s impossible to make time for deep conversations because we have this expectation that we need hours to have them. In reality, a lot can be learned, discussed, and acted upon in as little as a few 15 minute conversations per week.

Date Nights.

You had to know I was going to say this one. I am serious. HAVE DATE NIGHTS!

I highly suggest one date night *out* per month. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be dinner out, that’s always a good go-to. It can be ice cream. Or coffee. Or a walk in the park. It can be as simple or as big as you want. The important thing is to do it.

Date nights in are also great! Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Make dinner together. Chocolate fondue together. Work on a puzzle.

The list is again- endless. The importance- accomplishing it.

Show appreciation.

When was the last time you thanked your partner for doing something? Even if it was simple, expected, or mundane?

In our home, I hate cleaning the kitchen. With every fiber of my being, I dislike loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, doing the dishes by hand, and cleaning countertops. It’s just not my thing. I can do them all, and I will, but I also avoid it at all costs. So when my husband does it, I thank him. He knows I hate it and avoid it, so he knows he will almost always do it, but I still thank him.

It’s not silly to thank our partners for these ‘simple’ things. It can make a huge difference! Doesn’t it feel good to be recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated? Show it, share it, and feel the love.

Intimacy.

Again, you had to see this one coming.

But I will say right away that in no way shape or form do I mean intimacy = sex. Intimacy is SO.MUCH.MORE than intercourse.

If intercourse is your agreed upon form of intimacy, then go for it! Being mutually intimate with your partner is amazing, beautiful, and needed. Being committed to meeting each other’s physical and intimate needs is important to relighting and keeping the spark alive. It’s what sets apart the romantic relationship from friendship. Intimacy can reduce stress, lessen anxiety, and help our moods overall. That rush of oxytocin feels good!

Remember, intimacy is not just sexual intercourse. Intimacy can be giving each other massages. It can be a good ole cuddle and kissing session. It can be holding hands while binge-watching that show.

Go at a pace that works for both of you. Always keep it consensual. And fun!

Couples Counseling.

Finally, sometimes things can get too heavy, or too far gone to reignite that spark on your own.

That is okay!

Life comes at us fast. Especially lately. We can start to grow apart quicker than we can come back together. Let me help you help each other make new connections, reconstruct those old and good connections, and continue to learn about each other. Counseling can help you understand each other when it feels like you are talking past each other. Counseling can help mend some wounds that may have been created or reopened. Counseling may be that first needed step to find that spark again.

So now what?

Well, you can send this blog to your partner. Or you can decide on one to try and offer it to your partner. Or both. My challenge to you? Do one thing suggested in this blog with your partner by the end of next week. Don’t think to yourself “do you KNOW our schedules, Jeni?! They are crazy!” Yes, they may be hectic. But your relationship matters, the two of you matter, and I bet you both can find at least a little time to try one thing.