Developing Coping Skills (that actually work for YOU)
Coping skills: easy to talk about, hard to actually do. It’s often one of the first goals most people have in therapy; learn to cope with what is happening around you.
But what does that even mean? And how do I even do it?
A coping skill is basically what you do to help you manage your emotions. They can calm you down, cheer you up, or just help regulate your mood. The goal is to bring you back to baseline so that you can carry on with your life. Honestly, a lot of us are pretty crappy at coping. It’s harder than it sounds to learn when and how to intervene to keep yourself from losing your shit. If there were one skill that I wish every adult had - it would be this!
Ok, Emily, I get it. I gotta learn some coping skills. But howwwwwww?
Let’s discuss.
Learn your warning signs
A warning sign is basically how you know you’re headed towards disaster. Essentially anything that is a big ol’ red flag in your path saying “Hey! Pay attention! You’re not doing great and you’re headed towards implosion!”
Common warning signs:
Sleep change
Appetite change
Energy level change
Increased irritability
Apathy
Lack of motivation
Deviation from normal routine (exercise, habits, etc)
Addition of unhealthy habits (smoking, drinking, etc)
Learn your triggers
Triggers are like the straw that broke the camel’s back. The stuff that is guaranteed to send you over the edge if you were flirting with it anyway. Like you were sort of almost hanging on and then one more thing happened and it was game over.
Common triggers:
Lack of sleep
Criticism
Extra stress
Conflict (with a spouse, boss, friend, etc.)
Hormones (If you have a cycle, keep an eye on this! You may find that there is a week or weeks that are a lot harder for you than other weeks and your fuse is a ton shorter)
Illness
Pay attention to your energy level
This is pretty much my favorite concept right now and I’m finding it super helpful both personally and professionally. Think of your energy like a battery. There’s only so much of it. Different pieces of your life are going to use up some of that battery level, and unless you do something to recharge yourself, you’re going to be in dire straights pretty quickly.
Consider what drains your battery the most. Are those things necessary? What drains your energy that isn’t worth what it is taking from you?
Consider what recharges your battery. What things help the most? What things are the easiest to do to get a little boost?
You can check in with yourself throughout the day and learn to moderate your energy level. You might be surprised at what actually feels draining or what actually feels recharging.
If you are a highly sensitive person and/or a parent, this is especially imperative for you. You need to be extra mindful of your energy level and what you’re doing to recharge.
For anyone, refusing to acknowledge and manage your energy level is likely going to lead to eventual burnout. Some people are naturally good at this, most of us aren’t. And becoming parents makes that even harder, because you have extra tiny people that are super demanding and noisy and DGAF about what you want or need.
Figure out what situations you need to use your coping skills in
For a lot of people it’s anxiety, sadness, or anger. The next time you’re feeling anxious - take a moment to just be in it. Notice how your thought process feels. Notice how your body feels. Can you feel what’s happening in your body? Maybe your muscles are tight, or your face is hot, or you feel shaky. Try rating that on a scale of one to ten and noting how that intensity feels. Noticing and naming your anxiety (or anger or sadness) is a great step toward beginning to cope with it. You can’t cope with something if you don’t know it’s there. It’s really easy to completely ignore those feelings and your warning signs and triggers until it’s too late. The earlier you can intervene the easier it’s going to be to calm yourself down. Think about it - let’s say your anxiety is at a 4. You might not even really be aware of how it’s feeling in your body. It might just feel like low grade uneasiness right now, but if you noticed that you could prevent it from spiking up to an 8 and feeling intolerable when one of your triggers hits. A 4 is a lot easier to come down from than an 8. Once you’re at an 8 you’re consumed by it and at a point where you’re going to have to work a lot harder to bring yourself down enough to carry on with your day.
When you’re just starting to learn about rating those feelings and figuring out when to intervene - check in with yourself throughout the day. You can combine this with your battery rating scale as well and do both at once if you want to. Often when your battery is depleted - you’re going to have a really hard time keeping your emotions and mood under control.
For example: “How does my energy level feel? I’m at a 40%, I need to do something to recharge myself. I’m also feeling my anxiety level creep up. Now I’m at a 5. That feels like tightness in my chest and being annoyed. What can I do to recharge my battery a bit? What can I do to calm my anxiety a bit?” (A lot of times one coping skill can work on both!)
Learn what actually calms YOU - and tailor your coping skills around it
If you’re a person that needs a lot of sleep and lack of sleep is a trigger for you - getting yourself up early to work out is probably not going to do you any favors. I can tell people all day long what works for me, but that isn’t necessarily what’s going to work for you. Furthermore, what works for me sometimes isn’t going to work for me all the time. That’s part of why it’s important to have several different go to coping skills. While taking a walk can be a great coping skill, that’s not going to help you in the middle of a stressful work meeting.
If you’re stuck trying to figure out what is really calming for you (or it feels like nothing actually calms you) - think about your personality style. An extrovert might feel calmed by talking to a friend. If you are familiar with the Love Languages, think about what makes you feel loved - it might give you a clue about what might be calming for you. If you know your learning style - think about that. If you’re a kinesthetic learner movement might feel really soothing. Someone who is super rational might do well with positive self talk. I like when things are calm and organized, and I find cleaning or decluttering really soothing. It helps me make sense of the chaos. That for me is a lot more calming than rocking out to loud music.
Also, refer back to managing your energy level. What drains you? What recharges you? Those rechargers are a great start to figure out your coping skills.
Occupy your brain more than you think
The biggest mistake I see people making with coping skills is trying one thing super quick and being frustrated that it isn’t working. When you’re developing your coping skills, especially at first - incorporate skills that occupy more than one sense or more than one part of your brain. Some of my favorite simple coping skills (square breathing and 5-4-3-2-1 grounding, check the bottom of this post for instructions) both do this. In square breathing you are breathing, counting, and visualizing. In 5-4-3-2-1 grounding you are using all of your senses to bring yourself back into your body. There are infinite possibilities with this that you can tailor exactly to you! If you’re a person who likes yoga, stretch while you’re listening to music. Or walk while you’re talking on the phone to a friend. Deep breathe while you’re coloring. Immersing yourself in your coping is going to decrease the amount of brainspace that you have available to stay in that anxiety or stress cloud and help bring you back down into your body. And that’s exactly where we want you - in your body and in the present, not stuck in your head worrying about either the past or the future.
Doing this is also a quicker way to help you build confidence in your ability to calm yourself. This stops the cycle of anxiety about your anxiety. Once your mind has learned what anxiety feels and you’ve felt like you can’t control it - it can snowball and get out of hand really quickly. When you start feeling those warning signs, you then start getting nervous that you’re heading towards a huge anxiety attack - which just makes things worse. Confidence that you CAN and WILL calm down without totally losing your shit helps a ton in and of itself. It makes the anxiety feel less like a deathtrap and more tolerable and survivable.
Coping skills are a SKILL, and need to be practiced. It would be a whole lot easier if they were just a given, but unfortunately they aren’t. Spending a little time to get to know yourself and what works for you in different situations will yield positive results AND make things easier for you. The more you practice your coping skills, the easier they become.
Try out two of my favorite simple in the moment coping skills below. They are both good go-tos that can work in a lot of different situations.
Square Breathing
Visualize a square in your mind, find one in your environment, or draw one on a piece of paper. Starting at the lower left corner, draw your eyes, mind, or pen up the left side to the top, while breathing in and counting to 4 slowly. Hold while you go count to 4 again, from that corner across to the top right corner. Exhale while counting to 4, as you continue down to the lower right hand corner. Hold again for 4 as you return to the lower left corner. Repeat as many times as needed.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
Look around your current environment. Find and list the following:
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
If you can’t smell or taste anything, list things that you like to smell or taste. Repeat as many times as necessary. I like to do this while walking, because again it can occupy your mind more fully.
