Forgiving Yourself

I had a really hard parenting day today. I’m maxed out and stressed out and tired, and so are my kids. They’re all beyond cranky, and truthfully so am I.

They’re kids. They’re relying on me to help hold the world steady for them. But how can I, when it’s crumbling for me too? I yelled too much today. I didn’t play enough today. I spent too much time on my phone and not enough time with these beautiful children. I wasn’t a good enough mom today. And I was mad at myself for that.

But me having a difficult time or yelling doesn’t make me a shitty mom, as I vented to my friends that I feared I was. (How did they respond? They promptly told me that I’m amazing - and really every parent needs friends like that, to tell you you’re awesome even when you think you suck.)

It means I’m human. It means I make mistakes, and I can teach them that we own up to our mistakes and apologize when we’ve hurt someone. It means I can admit to having a bad day, because a bad day doesn’t make a bad person.

It means I’m imperfect. But they will be too and hopefully they’ll learn perfection just isn’t a real thing, because trying to be perfect doesn’t end anywhere good.

It means I’m struggling right now. It’s not bad for them to see that. It’s good for them to know that sometimes things are hard and sometimes things are really shitty and sometimes the world is literally falling apart.

But forgiving myself for my faults? That’s probably the best thing for them to see. To know that their worth is not determined by unattainable expectations or a bar that’s just plain not within reach. To know that even when they fail or are less than what they wanted to be - they are lovable. By owning up to what I feel I lack I can show them that our faults are not something to be ashamed of. They are a place to learn and grow and it’s OK for other people to see that place. They’re a place to gain understanding and compassion for others and for yourself.

For example, one thing I know very clearly about myself is I need time to be alone. I need this in order to feel whole. It isn’t a want - for me it’s a need. Without that time to be quiet and still and needed by no one - I implode. And right now that time is really hard to find. So I talk to my kids about that. Even at 5 and 3, they can learn from me saying “I have a hard time and feel extra grouchy when I am not able to have quiet time just by myself”. I could hate myself for that. I could feel (and have felt) that this need is a weakness.

“It’s laziness.”

“If I was just stronger I wouldn’t need that time to myself.”

“It’s selfish. You have so many wonderful things, and yet you need to be alone? Really?”

“I should be able to push through and sacrifice myself for everyone else.”

But that isn’t what I want to teach them. I don’t want them to forgo their needs in favor of someone else’s. I want to teach them to advocate for themselves and know themselves well enough to be able to decide when to do that. I want to teach them to see their warning signs before they implode. I want to teach them that times of stress (like literally right now) are the time to make sure that those needs are met. I want to teach them to work with those tendencies, not against them. I want to teach them that they don’t have to be anywhere near perfect to deserve good things and love and forgiveness. I want to teach them that when someone is having a hard time - that’s the time to love them anyway. But you know what? They’re really the ones that have taught me the importance all of those things.

The tricky thing about being a parent is that you want all sorts of things for your children - but don’t necessarily demand them for yourself as well. Sometimes it’s easier to do things that prioritize those beautiful children and forgo your own needs in favor of theirs. Sometimes it’s easier to trick myself into doing what I know I should do for myself if I feel like it’s for them.

So, because of exactly that - because sometimes it’s easier to do something for your kids and not for yourself - and I want to teach my kids to be kinder to themselves than I am to my own self - today I’ll forgive myself for being less than I wanted to be. For them, because I’m not quite ready to do it for myself.

And they love me anyway.