Grief Sucks. Plain and simple. Nothing about grief is fun.

Grief during the holidays? Sucks even more.

How do I know? First, I’m living it. Second, I am pretty aware of how American society lacks knowledge around anything grief-related. Third, I’ve studied grief clinically-speaking.

Grief is complex

It rarely looks the same from person to person, or even experience to experience. Which makes it even more difficult.

What can grief look like?

For me, grief is memory loss, bouts of sadness, triggers of tough memories, fatigue, and just feeling blah. For others it may be high anxiety, staying in bed all day, trouble concentrating, irritability, poor sleep, poor appetite, body tension, heightened stress tolerance, and so much more.

Grief also doesn’t have to be about someone dying. People are grieving another holiday season without a baby. Another year unable to see family. Another year of not getting that promotion at work. Another year of just scraping by financially. Another year in a marriage that needs work. Another year where anxiety or depression is so heavy and it feels unbearable. Another year the kids won’t come home to visit.

Grief during the holidays feels different than “normal” grief because there are expectations. The holidays are “supposed” to be a happy, joy-filled, care-free, and a beautiful, loving time of year. Yet grief rarely looks like that. So we are presented with feeling multiple emotions that are differing. Sadness while being happy. Stressed while trying to be care-free. Not hungry when there is so much food. Tired when we are supposed to be getting rest from being off work.

No wonder this is a lot to handle!

We are often ill-equipped to feel different emotions at the same time. This weird feeling exists because multiple conflicting emotions are consistently occupying the same space. That’s grief. So many emotions, often conflicting, occupying the same space. Sometimes suffocating our space. Though, sometimes it does feel manageable or barely there. And that’s okay, too.

Here’s the thing about grief and our society. For the longest time, most people thought the grieving period ended with the funeral or a couple of weeks after the news was made known. Spoiler alert- it doesn’t. A lot of people stop checking in once the funeral is over, or once the grieving person looks “fine.” Let’s be better in understanding and supporting grief!

My effort here is to let those of us who are struggling know you are seen. I see you. I feel for you. I support you. Because I am you. I’ve been walking this path. Sometimes stumbling along the way, barely able to keep my head above water. Sometimes moving along effortlessly because things are fine. When my grief is heavy, I try to slow down because my tendency is to avoid, distract, and wait for the moment to pass. That rarely works. So I slow down by acknowledging and validating my thoughts, then I assess what I need. Do I need quiet time? Do I need connection time? Do I need to eat or hydrate? Do I need to shift my thoughts to positive memories of my loved one?

When your grief feels heavy, what do you need? If you don’t know, that’s okay! There is no time like the present to take some time to find the answers to that question. Here are some other ideas:

Eat! Please get some nutrition in you.
Hydrate! Don’t get too dehydrated, that only makes things worse.
Move your body. Get up to walk around, do some yoga, do some stretching. Do what you normally do for exercise or what feels best. Don’t overdo it, but don’t be a bump on a log either.
Rest. When your body says rest, do so.
Try not to isolate yourself. Reach out to trusted people. Connect with others. Connect with your spiritual leader.
Start therapy. There’s no time like the present! Grief doesn’t end. But it can feel more manageable. Let’s find ways to make it feel more manageable.

My other effort is to encourage those who are able to support others in this season to do so. Check in on that person who is coming to mind. Maybe their loss was years ago. Maybe it was last week. Check in on them however feels natural for you.

Say their loved one’s name.
Tell a story about how they impacted you.
Offer a seat at your table, or to drop off a meal.
Offer a night of babysitting.
Let them know you are thinking of them.
Let them know you are available if needed or wanted.
Let them know you don’t expect anything in return.
Validate them! “What you are going through really sucks.”
Offer to share a memory or story.
Offer specific ways to support such as “I am baking cookies on ___, care to join me?” or “I am wrapping gifts later this week, can I pick up anything you need wrapped?” or “I am free on ___, can I watch the kids for a bit?”
Shovel their driveway.
Drop off some snacks.
Be okay if they cancel or say no.