How to Give Support
Many of us are having a tough time right now, and need support from those we love. We’d all like to think we’re good at supporting someone else - but are you? Or does your empathy leave something to be desired? Here’s a short list of tips to keep in mind when you’re trying to support someone else. Sometimes it isn’t quite as easy as it seems.
Listen to hear, not to respond
Actually listen to what the person is saying. Are they asking for help? Or just want to vent? Do they need validation? Really listen to the words and tone they are using. Pay attention while they are speaking instead of forming a response while they’re still talking.
Don’t assume they feel support in the same way you do
I’m taking a page from The Five Love Languages on this one. We don’t all feel support or love in the same way. Some people want validation, some want solutions, some just want to vent. For instance, I’m a validation person. When I’m upset it’s important to me to feel like the other person understands what my feelings are. This doesn’t necessarily mean they agree or feel the same way - just understand why I feel how I feel.
“I” statements can work well here (I feel _____ when you _____. I need _____. Will you _____?).
“I feel lonely and scared when you go to work and I’m at home. I need to feel like you understand where I’m coming from on this.”
“I hear you saying you feel lonely and scared sometimes. I see how me going to work during this scary situation could make you feel that way. What do you think would help you feel better about it?”
If you aren’t sure - ASK!
Not sure how someone wants to be supported? Ask them! “I’m not sure how to best support you right now, but I really want to help. What can I do to help you feel supported?” Then take note of that for next time.
Say SOMETHING
This is one case that it’s better to say something than nothing, even if it isn’t the right thing. Check back with tip #3 and ask the person if you aren’t sure how best to respond. Or say you aren’t sure what to say! “I don’t want to say the wrong thing but I don’t know what the right thing is to say right now. I am here to support you and I hope you feel that I’m listening.” OR “I’m sorry, that sounds really hard” both work in a lot of situations.
“At least….” is rarely a good response
At best it invalidates someone’s feelings of distress. At worst it makes them feel ashamed and alone for how they feel. “Would it help if I tried to point out some potential silver linings? Or does that just feel crummy right now? I don’t want to minimize how you feel.” Things are hard for everyone - it’s not a contest of who has it worst. There’s no gold medal for winning the one upping game and comparison never works.
Jokes aren’t welcome here
If someone is really truly distressed and looking for support, a joke just isn’t going to fly. Making a joke about someone’s feelings is minimizing their distress and will probably mean they won’t come to you again for support because they can’t trust that you’ll help keep their feelings safe. Note: This also applies for statements like “that’s ridiculous” and “just don’t worry about it”. Nix those from your vocab, they’re the opposite of helpful.
Know your limits
Do some self evaluation here. At some point, you may feel maxed out and unable to support other people, and that’s OK. Fill your cup and care for yourself first. You can only do so much for other people. “I don’t want to minimize your feelings, but I’m having a really rough day today and I don’t know if I have anything else to give. Could we talk tomorrow or find another way to support one another?”
Someone may also get to a point where you’re over your head in the level of support they need. “I’m concerned about you. I’m worried that how I can support you isn’t enough to help get you back to feeling better. I do think I can help you find someone who can. What do you think about that?” The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good number to keep on hand: 1-800-273-8255. Most places also have a local crisis number that is easily found on Google. Ozaukee County has COPE: 262-377-2673, and Milwaukee County has the Behavioral Health Crisis Line: 414-257-7222.
And last but most certainly not least:
Be kind
Always, always, always. Choose kindness.
