It’s Not “Just Stress” - 11 Tips for Managing Chaos and Keeping Your Shit Kinda Together
Stress and overwhelm have become almost a badge of honor in our society. My favorite writer, shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, refers to exhaustion as a “status symbol”.
We go and go and go - but where does that get us?
Chronic stress takes an immense toll on the body. Research shows us over and over that it contributes to everything from chronic disease to more frequent colds. But yet we continue to blow off that exhaustion and maxed-out feeling as “just stress”. '
Not so fast.
I referred to this effect in a recent blog post discussing gaining weight during times of stress. This topic has become an important one to me personally and professionally, and I’d like to dive into it even deeper because it becomes a factor in the health and wellness of so many women, especially if they are the default parent in their home. It’s easy to blow off the weight of stress because everyone has it to an extent. You might see other parents with more kids, or a more demanding job, or single parenting and think you have it easier than they do, or that they’re handling it better.
But stress isn’t a contest.
You don’t get a medal for winning at having the most stress or doing all the things. You also don’t get a medal for refusing to deal with your stress. What you get is exhaustion and illness and harsh effects on your emotional and mental state. And that’s no good for anyone. We all have a different threshold for our capacity to manage stress and overwhelm.
Especially right now. Your threshold may be totally different than usual based on the immense stress in our world right now. The election is in a few weeks and feels huge and dangerous, we’re still living in pandemic-land, and social justice and anti-racism are intense work. All of that on top of the “normal” stress we all have as adults - it’s a sure fire recipe for burnout if you aren’t proactive.
Here’s how stress works in the body:
Stress increases cortisol. Cortisol is the fight-or-flight hormone that switches on when we sense danger. It’s also one that fluctuates throughout our day. It is supposed to peak in the morning so you can get up and get going, and then decrease throughout the day. But when we are under constant stress, that cortisol switch stays ON. It’s pumping out cortisol into your body more frequently and intensely than it should. We need cortisol, but in the way that our body is designed to process it. Constant cortisol overwhelms the body and sends multiple systems into overdrive. The cortisol system was not designed for modern stress levels that stay intense for extended periods of time, it was designed for short reactions to an immediate stimulus. Eventually if you stay in that mode for long enough, it runs out. High, low, or combined high and low cortisol (at the wrong times of day) can have serious impacts on your well being. Tapped out cortisol can also lead to adrenal fatigue, also called HPA axis dysfunction. If you’re wanting to know more about that process and it’s ramifications, check out this article.
(I also think it’s important to note that some people are more susceptible to the effects of stress - looking at you HSPs (highly sensitive people). Here is an article about the link between HSPs and chronic fatigue. Or check out this one on how to manage stress as a HSP.)
Well that’s not comforting. So WTF do we do about it?
You guessed it: stress management and coping skills. Monitoring your own stress level and managing it through whatever coping skills work well for you. Right now that is extra-hard, because there’s extra stress and less resources for most of us to be able to manage that stress. But this doesn’t have to be super time consuming. The goal is to get yourself in a rhythm and maintain balance so that when the whole world goes to shit you don’t totally spiral.
Try these to help that happen:
Journaling - Write daily or weekly about your mood and how you’re doing. If you have a menstrual cycle, keep an eye on how those hormonal fluctuations affect your stress level, energy, and mood. Knowing that a dip in mood or spike in anxiety has a cause and is time limited can be super helpful in getting through it. As you write, let go of the issues of the day. Writing things down can also help clear your head from all of the things you have to remember as an adult and parent. I like to write down mantras for my day or week. The act of writing it down helps anchor it in my brain. I keep everything in a master paper calendar, including those positive thoughts. I sit down every Sunday and organize our lives in that calendar. I spend a few minutes decorating it and making it pretty, and add an intention or mantra for the week that I want to keep in mind or focus on. It makes the world feel a little more in balance.
Exercise - I know. This is like the last thing I want to try to fit in when I’m stressed. Remember those SPICES that we talked about in my last post? This is one of the first things to go for me when I’m stressed. But it does legit work so at least consider it. There are so many different ways to move your body - dance party in the living room, walk with the kids, yoga, Crossfit classes, kayaking, biking… the possibilities are endless and there’s something for everyone! It does not have to be 4:30am HIIT classes. Just move your body and appreciate it for being there. Bonus points for getting outside.
Meditation - This one has honestly been the most helpful for me. It helps me switch from frantic in my head mode to grounded in my body mode. Insight Timer is my favorite meditation app, but there are many (Headspace, Calm, and tenpercent are three other popular ones). There is also a free eight week MBSR (mindfulness-based stress reduction) course from Palouse Mindfulness that is amazing and life changing. Do it if you are able! There are lots of studies that show that meditation can be effective with less than ten minutes of practice per day. A little less RHONY or Facebook scrolling and you have that ten minutes! I prefer guided meditations, I need someone talking to focus on.
Therapy - There are a ton of good therapists out there, and a ton of different kinds of therapy. Processing the stress that is happening can be really helpful. Get that shit out of your head. If you aren’t a talker - some of the somatic methods of therapy might be a good fit for you. They require less cognitive explaining and encourage deeper processing. I’m trained in Brainspotting and a huge fan of it, but there are other methods as well (EMDR and ART are two other great options). They tend to be super intense, but also tend to yield more rapid results. Most therapists are providing virtual sessions right now, so you don’t even have to go anywhere if you don’t want to!
If you tried therapy before and it didn’t go well - try again. It’s so worth it. The right therapist matters so so much. LMK if you need help connecting with someone.
Nutritional changes - Your body is going to work better if you nourish it well. I’m neither a dietician nor a proponent of a specific diet that fits everyone. But with whatever you choose to eat, prioritize fresh whole foods over processed or fast food and watch your sugar if you can. It really does make a difference, just like that exercise thing that everybody tells you but is actually true.
Say “No” - Seriously. Say no to the things that you can cut out. Buy a cake instead of baking one yourself. Hire someone to deep clean your house. Donate the old kids clothes instead of trying to sell them. Skip book club. Don’t volunteer to head the new project at work. Stay home instead of wrangling your kids into the car to go somewhere. Buy masks instead of making them yourself. Stretching yourself even more thinly is not going to help anything, that I can promise you. Some things in life are non-negotiable and can’t be cut out. A lot can.
See your doc - If you feel like stress is taking a physical toll on your body, see your physician. I work with a functional medicine provider that has helped a lot with validating issues from a whole body perspective in a way that traditional medicine doesn’t always address. They may want to do some blood work to rule out other issues or pinpoint problems as well. There are underlying conditions that can affect our stress level and ability to cope. Rule those guys out.
Manage your energy - You only have so much. Think about it like pie. If you totally max yourself out Monday morning, you’re not going to have anything left to manage that monster toddler tantrum on Wednesday (ask me how I know). Fill that tank back up when you can and how you can, but be aware of your overall energy level. And then use your energy judiciously. Could I argue with that rando lady on the internet about something that doesn’t really matter? Sure could. But is that worth my energy? Well maybe sometimes…. But no, it’s really not. I’d rather steer that energy towards my family or work.
Connect with something bigger than you - Spirituality, creativity, being in nature. Connect with something that reminds you how magical our world can be if you take the time to notice it. Paint the autumn leaves in your backyard. Read a book on spirituality. Go for a nature hike with your kids. Tap into that part of yourself.
Give yourself grace - I know, I know. That’s pretty much my answer to everything. But accepting that things are hard AF right now, and that it’s ok to be stressed and angry and anxious and sad at everything going on, can be hugely beneficial. You can spend your time mad at yourself and the existence of stress if you want, but there will still be stress regardless of if you’re hard on yourself about it. If you decide to be hard on yourself, it just adds more stress and shame and feelings of failure. This doesn’t mean you’re ignoring your stress - you still need to deal with it - but you don’t have to work yourself up even more being frustrated that you’re making mistakes or not handling yourself better. Sometimes just accepting that things suck and you’re stressed can be helpful in changing your perspective. Let yourself feel the feelings. That’s what they’re there for.
And last but most certainly not least - REST. Your body needs it. Your brain needs it. Your soul needs it. You will be a more balanced person if you get it. You do not have to be doing something every moment of the day.
I 100% get all of the directions that moms are pulled in on a daily basis. Work, child care, managing everything about the lives of little people, your relationship, friends, working out, eating well…. it’s just not possible to do it all.
And you don’t have to. You decide what is important enough for your energy. You only have so much. Direct it to the things that matter, and let the rest go.
