We weren’t meant to parent this way.

In this lonely-tense-uncertain way.

We weren’t meant to go it alone with limited support from others - family, friends in the same stage of life, friends in a different stage of life, even coworkers and reliable childcare.

We’re being called to do all the things with none of the resources.

In recent years, it’s been pretty normal for parents of school-age children to work. Seems reasonable, right? But that all went out the window with the addition of a global pandemic. As a lot of the world is moving on from that and calling us to be back to “normal”, how do we navigate what we used to do with what is available now, PLUS the stress of the last 2.5 years - especially when “normal” wasn’t sustainable to begin with?

You can’t. It just isn’t possible.

But our culture of parenting (particularly mothering) pushes us to do and be all the things to all the people all the time.

Be a rockstar at work, but also be present at everything your kid ever does. Be in shape. Also be a good cook. Be crafty and outdoorsy so your kids have good experiences. Be a parent who raises well rounded and well behaved children. Be nice. Be friendly. Be a good spouse. Be sexy. (But not too sexy.) Be smart. Be a good friend. Be helpful and giving. BE ALL THE THINGS.

BREATHE.

Seriously. take a deep breath. Like right now. (I hope you actually took one).

All of those ideas of who we should BE, are actually what we think we should DO.

The research doesn’t lie - the stress is TERRIBLE for us. It makes us legitimately sick, and I’m guessing you don’t have time for that either. So let’s get rid of all of those assumptions and “should"s and get (y)our shit together so this all feels a little bit less awful.

1. Throw away the idea that you have to be good at everything.

You can’t. You literally can’t. It’s not a thing. Pick a couple things you think you can probably mostly rock with relative reliability, and let the rest go. YOU CANNOT DO ALL THE THINGS.

2. Do less stuff.

Not joking. Do less things. Maybe we don’t go on another bike ride this week. Maybe I do the dishes tomorrow instead of tonight. Maybe I take a nap instead of working during my kids’ quiet time. Maybe I pick up a meal tonight instead of something that’s going to take an hour. Maybe I don’t volunteer to be the room parent. Some stuff can’t be cut out - a lot can.

Focus on doing one thing at a time. It will help you feel more present in what you’re doing and less frantic. If you’re playing a game with your kid - just do that. Don’t check your phone for emails from work. If you’re working - just do that. Stop making the grocery list or whatever else feels like it needs to be done. I keep a master list of all the things I need to get done in different areas of my life and check it when I am in that zone. So at work I check the work to do list. At home, it’s home and kids. Be present in whatever space you’re in. The list becomes a placeholder so I don’t have to keep track of all the things. I will stop what I’m doing to add something to the list, because I know that then I don’t have to try to keep it in my brain only to forget it and suddenly have it pop into my head when I’m trying to sleep.

3. Get some sleep.

Seriously get some good rest. This shit is exhausting. Your body, mind, and soul need it. Protect your rest. Our bodies need that time to recuperate and keep going the way we need them to.

4. Lean on your people.

Vent to your spouse, your therapist, your mom, your bestie from across the country, the barista at your coffee place. Yes we’re all going through this disaster together and everyone else is stressed out too. But I literally ALWAYS want to support my friends. Always, even if I’m right in the weeds too. I want them to feel heard and validated and a little less like a disaster. It isn’t a contest where only whoever is the most stressed out gets the support. That’s not a prize we’re looking to win.

And while you’re at it, plan something fun with your people. Something where you can be you and laugh until your entire face hurts. Trust me, it’s worth it and you need it.

5. Cry.

Not joking. Let that shit out. You need to release that pressure valve or you’re going to straight up implode. And then you’ll have a mess to clean up and it’ll be a big thing and there just really isn’t time for that right now. So skip that and let it out a little at a time in a controlled way that feels safe for you.

And if you’re at a point where crying on command just isn’t happening, it’s ok to NOT cry too. But let yourself feel the feelings either way. Put on some emotional music (If you need some ideas, start with Alicia Keys’ jam “Good Job” or literally anything by Adele) and FEEL.

6. Care for your own needs.

Ya’ll know I hate the term “self care”, but you have to do something to nourish yourself. The most important thing about this is paying attention to your needs and responding to them. If you’re tired - sleep. If you’re hungry - eat. If you need connection - reach out to a friend. If you need to be alone - hide from your kids. If you need adventure - do that. If you need to create - do that too. Set up your day so that you’re able to respond to your own needs. If you have no idea where to even start or what the heck you might need, start with the Spices blog here. It’s a solid list of parts of you to attend to. And put those needs first sometimes. You can’t always be last.

7. Pay attention to your kids.

Sounds counterintuitive, right? I promise it’s not. When your kids feel heard and seen they are more secure and less likely to be bouncing off the walls. I’m sure there’s some science behind that somewhere but what I know for sure is that it works in my house every time. I’ve started giving each of my kiddos some one-on-one attention to start the day when I can and it makes a huge difference. It’s really just a minute or two of hugging or snuggling or telling them how great they are, but they drink it right up.

8. Slow down.

We wind up whipping through life so quickly that we barely notice what’s going on around us. Slow down for a minute. Notice the sun in the trees, the way the breeze feels on your face, the sound of laughter from your kiddos, how your breath feels in your body. Give yourself a few minutes every day to just BE, without the doing. This gives you a minute to just catch up with yourself, start from a centered place, and remind yourself what you really want to focus on.

9. Give yourself some damn grace.

You are dealing with a whole lot of shit being thrown at you from every angle and quite frankly the fact that you’re still breathing and mostly upright is a goddamn miracle. Pat yourself on the back for surviving this BS so far.

Parenting is HARD, even on the easy days. It’s exhausting and it’s overwhelming and it’s a LOT of pressure to try to raise reasonably decent little people. You’re not failing because it’s hard. It’s not hard because you’re not doing enough. It’s hard because it’s just HARD.

You don’t have to DO any more than you already are. Being you, just BEING, is enough.