Supporting Your Partner Through Trauma - With the Help of Couples Therapy
When one person in a relationship is grappling with trauma, it can affect the entire relationship. Couples therapy offers a path to navigate these challenges together while fostering empathy, understanding, connection, and healing.
Understanding Trauma in Relationships
Deb Dana, a clinician who specializes in working with complex trauma, often describes trauma through the lens of the autonomic nervous system and polyvagal theory. In her language, trauma is not just about the event itself but about how the nervous system responds to it. Trauma occurs when the system is overwhelmed and unable to return to a state of safety and regulation.
Dana explains that trauma is a disruption in the nervous system's ability to move between states of safety (ventral vagal state) and survival responses (sympathetic fight/flight or dorsal vagal shutdown). When faced with a traumatic experience, our nervous system may get "stuck" in these survival states, leading to a sense of being trapped in a continuous state of threat, even after the danger has passed.
In essence, trauma is not just the event but the lasting impact on the nervous system, creating a disconnect from a sense of safety and connection.
In relationships, this experience of trauma for one (or multiple) members can be deeply distressing and can create distance between partners, making it hard for them to connect. As Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, explains, “Trauma disrupts our ability to connect, leaving us feeling unworthy of love and safety in relationships.”
This disruption can manifest in various ways—difficulty trusting, heightened sensitivity to perceived slights, or withdrawing emotionally. Couples therapy can help open communicate and understanding in relational dynamics to shift from reactivity to connection.
The Role of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy provides a space where both partners can explore the impact of trauma on their relationship. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship dynamics, emphasizes the importance of building “love maps,” which means understanding your partner’s inner world. In the context of trauma, this means learning about how the trauma affects your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Through therapy, couples can develop skills to support each other better. For the partner who hasn’t experienced the trauma, it’s about learning to listen without judgment, offering validation, and being patient. For the partner coping with trauma, therapy can help them communicate their needs and experiences in a way their partner(s) can understand.
Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlights the importance of creating a “safe haven” in relationships—a place where both partners feel secure enough to express their vulnerabilities. She states, “Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing, and misconnecting and reconnecting.” Couples therapy helps partners navigate these processes, fostering a sense of safety and security even in the face of trauma.
In couples therapy, we’re working to build a sense of trust and openness so that when ruptures happen (which they will), the relationship can grow, strengthen, and become more resilient.
Building Resilience Together
Trauma doesn’t have to be a roadblock in a relationship. With the right support, couples can not only survive but thrive together. Jessica Fern suggests that relationships can become more resilient by addressing trauma head-on, rather than avoiding it. She writes, “The healing of trauma often requires a relational context where one feels seen, heard, and valued.”
In therapy, couples can learn to rebuild trust, enhance their emotional connection, and create a stronger bond. This process isn’t easy, but with commitment and compassion, it’s possible.
The Partner’s Perspective
For the partner supporting someone through trauma, the journey can be both rewarding and challenging. It’s common to feel a mix of emotions—compassion, despair, anger, frustration, helplessness, and even guilt. Recognizing these feelings is an essential part of the process. Couples therapy can help the supporting partner understand their own emotional responses and defenses, to be more adept in managing them constructively.
John Gottman’s concept of “emotional attunement” is particularly relevant here. Emotional attunement involves being aware of and responsive to your partner’s emotional needs, even when those needs are difficult to understand or meet. This doesn’t mean solving your partner’s problems or taking on their pain, but rather, being present and empathetic. Gottman emphasizes that this kind of attunement strengthens the emotional bond between partners, which is crucial when one is dealing with trauma.
The Importance of Communication
Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it becomes even more critical when trauma is involved. Trauma can make it difficult for the person affected to express their needs clearly. They might struggle with vulnerability, fearing that opening up could lead to more pain. In this context, couples therapy focuses on improving communication skills, ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood.
Sue Johnson’s EFT approach is particularly valuable here. EFT helps couples identify and articulate their emotional needs, transforming negative communication patterns into more positive, supportive interactions. According to Johnson, “The way we talk to each other has the power to either build or break the connection.” Couples therapy guided by EFT principles can help partners communicate in ways that reinforce their connection, rather than weaken it.
Healing Together
Healing from trauma is a gradual process, and it often involves setbacks. Couples therapy provides tools for navigating these ups and downs together. It teaches couples to be patient with each other and to celebrate small victories along the way. The therapeutic process also helps couples recognize that healing isn’t a linear journey; it’s about making progress over time, even if that progress isn’t always visible.
Jessica Fern reminds us that “trauma healing is a shared experience.” When couples engage in therapy together, they’re not just working towards the healing of the individual but also the strengthening of their relationship. This shared journey can deepen their bond, creating a sense of partnership and mutual support that extends beyond the therapy sessions.
