The Problem With “Self Care”

I’ll admit it - I’ve been a huge proponent of self care for years.

“Take a shower alone!”

“Read a book!”

“Take a nap!”

“Exercise!”

And that’s all well and good. You should do those things. But now I’m calling bullshit on them being self care.

Taking a shower is not self care. Taking a shower is basic hygiene. A shower is not a reward that one earns after exhausting themself enough. And categorizing this as “self care” makes it seem like you’re doing something extra special and out of your way to spoil yourself.

But here’s the thing: You should be caring for yourself ALL THE TIME. It is not a special occasion, it does not need a special term. Caring for yourself should be built into your daily life. You are worthy of your own care and attention and love every single day of your life. Not as an afterthought.

Why? We’re being proactive here. We want you to stay in a good and healthy spot and not exhaust yourself. And that takes balance - not just sprinkling in some self care when you’re already at your breaking point and hoping it’s good enough to keep you going. Because really how relaxing is a face mask when you’re already ripping your hair out? Not so much.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s imperative. Exhaustion is not a badge of honor (yeah, I’m pulling in some Brene Brown here!). You deserve to feel good and balanced.

Ok, ok, Emily! I get it. Balance, good. How the f$#* do I even begin to do that?! I’m like wayyyyyyy in the hole on this one already!

This week’s focus list in my Plum Planner

1. Breathe

   Like, right now, but also always. Notice your breath. Is it shallow and up in your chest? Is it deep and down to your belly? How does it feel when you try to take a big deep cleansing calming belly breath? Connect with your breath when you can, but shoot for once a day. It helps bring you back into your body and the present and reset yourself a little.

2. Build wellness into your daily routine.

   I’m a list maker by nature. So much so that my husband laughs every time I start making a new one. But instead of using it as a list of things I have to get done, I’m using my wellness list as a prompt to remind myself to try to do those things. I’ve mentioned before that I adore my planner, and I keep a weekly list in there of what I’m hoping to do. There’s no specific goal, but it helps me stay mindful of making sure I’m caring for myself throughout the week.

   I’m making it part of my routine, just like brushing my teeth and showering. You wouldn’t go a day without brushing your teeth, so don’t go a day without caring for yourself.

3. Know yourself.

   Know what you like. I love baths. Love them. I find them relaxing and centering. For you baths might feel like you’re stewing in your own filth (Why, yes, that is a Friends reference). Think about what you need and how often you need it. I’m a person that needs a lot of quiet and alone time. I need to be protective of that and more conscious of it than someone else who needs less time to themselves. Something like a loud or dramatic movie does not feel centering to me - it feels draining, but to someone else it might feel energizing. The important piece is knowing what works best for you, so that you can keep yourself on track and out of exhaustion.

   Again, use the idea of a battery (learn more about that concept here). Each bit of caring for yourself is going to recharge that battery. Some things you do are going to recharge it more than others. Some things are going to drain it more than others. We want to keep you out of the red zone on your battery so that you can function the way that you need to and have the energy for the things you want to do. And ideally not just function - actually enjoy your life! Survival mode (that “red zone” on your battery) makes it super hard to be present and enjoy much of anything. Let’s keep you out of it.

4. Put yourself first.

   This is a sticky one. As parents, and specifically as women, we are taught to put ourselves last. Be a martyr, be selfless, put everyone else’s wants and needs above your own. But nope, let’s cut the crap. First of all, you can’t care for anyone else if you’re maxed out. But even more importantly you DESERVE to come first sometimes. Your needs matter. You matter. You are still a human even if you’re a parent.

   If you need 10 minutes of quiet to reset yourself before you get your kid a snack for the 7,000th time today - do it.

   If you want to stay home instead of going somewhere that you committed to - do it.

   If you need your partner to work with you and balance their job so that you can breathe - do that too.

   I’ll say it again: YOUR NEEDS MATTER.

5. Ask for help.

   If you have kids - you’re going to need help with this at times. That may mean hiring a babysitter or trading time with another parent you know. It also may mean explaining all of this to your partner if you have one, and asking for their support to keep you out of exhaustion at at a manageable level of overwhelm. Honestly my partner and I have had this exact argument. It’s not that a bath or a day off isn’t lovely - it is. But the real need is building a life that is sustainable, with a plan for continuing to recharge your battery and stay balanced in way that meets your specific needs.

What we want is for you to build a life, routine, and skills that keep you feeling good most of the time. This not to say you will always feel balanced. You won’t. Expect some ups and downs. Sometimes you may have to care for yourself more than at other times, but you’re also going to recover a lot more easily from anything that knocks you off course if you’re starting from a place of wellness.