Why I Finally Threw Out New Years Resolutions
I used to be one of those people that get very swept up into New Year’s Resolutions. Every year, I was going to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as a new year started. I had tons of ideas about all the ways I was going to do all sorts of things and exactly how it was going to happen and plans and schedules and calendars and GO ME! Spoiler alert: most years, it didn’t really pan out, even when I followed all the tips about setting SMART goals. Life entered the ring, the plan got off track, and I was left feeling meh. And sometimes, even truly bad about myself for not being able to do all the things or meet my clearly defined goal. Why can other people meet their goals and I just can’t?
Story Time: this Fall, I started an 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, which is based on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn. I’ve been wanting to do an in-person course for a long time and the stars finally aligned. My teacher introduced us to the 8 Attitudinals of Mindfulness. And let me tell you, it contradicted MOST of who I am as a person. When she got to non-striving, I swear my heart stopped. I legitimately asked, “you mean I can’t get a gold star in mindfulness?!” She very kindly did not look at me like I am a total idiot, and instead just gently replied, “No. You can’t.” When I say I was offended to my very core, it is 100% true. And that bothered me for WEEKS. As a high-achieving (way back to being labeled as “gifted” in elementary school) human, the idea has always been to do more and achieve more and reach more goals. Parenting magnified that. Owning a business magnified that even further. And the times I’ve felt the worst in my life were times that I didn’t feel like I was meeting expectations of either myself or others. But that always achieving and striving leads to a place of exhaustion and emptiness. It feels like control but actually means a complete lack of it, being driven by an external force for no real reason and to no real end, feeling like nothing is ever enough and there is no finish line.
So armed with this knowledge that the mindset I’ve had before just really isn’t serving me in any way, this year I decided to do something different. I let the year start without any big goal or resolution. I let it come in softly and unfold in it’s own time. In general, I like the ideas of a word or intention of the year better than a strict plan anyway, but in years past I’ve felt inclined to have something decided before the year began lest I accomplish nothing all year long and must loyally stick to THE THING that I decided before January 1st. This year, I simply let the year start and just sunk into how I was feeling for a few days, considering and listening about what felt right.
Ultimately, I realized a few things that feel true to me and what I want. And in writing this all out, I’m giving you permission to take what works for you from this, or develop your own entire framework. It’s your life. You get to decide where it goes.
1. January 1st feels like a terrible time to start things
Winter is a tricky time for me, as it is for a lot of people. Biologically it’s also a time of rest, we aren’t getting as much sunlight or fresh air (at least in Wisconsin), and quite honestly a lot of us are exhausted after the holidays. Winter doesn’t feel like energy and motivation to me, it feels like quieting and resting. What I want for myself and what I think I can do in a time of rest is very different from when I feel energized. January 1st Emily is not July 1st Emily.
Also, reminder: if winter DOES feel like energy and motivation to you, do that. What’s right for me isn’t what’s right for you. You’re allowed to make New Year’s Resolutions if you want. You’re also allowed to throw them away if you want.
So I’m setting intentions or hopes rather than goals or resolutions, and for quarters, shifting through the year with each equinox and solstice as the seasons ebb and flow. Winter, now until the Spring Equinox on March 20, is the first phase. Until the Spring Equinox, my intention is to lean into that quiet and rest and see what I find. I’m entering it with curiosity and flexibility (looking back to those attitudinals), and letting it go where it needs to go instead of forcing it to be what I think I need.
The Summer Solstice follows on June 21, the Autumnal Equinox on September 23, and finally the Winter Solstice on December 21. What will I do for those time periods? Absolutely no idea. Future Emily will make that decision. Winter Emily is resting.
2. I don’t actually want to do more, I want to do less
I already feel behind and rushed all the time. I genuinely DO NOT want to add more things, there are already too many things. I want to sink into what works for me and let things flow from there. I want to keep flexibility that I may need to adapt or change course based on what happens and where my year goes. I want to do less rushing, less pouring into distraction, less judging, less scheduling, less striving, less restricting and molding and censoring and fitting and lots of other things that get in the way of what is in my heart. I want to slow down and watch and hear and see and taste. I want to lean into the fullness of myself and see where I end up. I want to be nothing more than my authentic self.
I was first introduced to the concept of doing less in the aptly titled book “Do Less”. If you’re like wtf that is so not a reasonable thing, check out the book and see what fits.
3. Accepting where and who I am right now sets the stage differently than starting from a deficit
What would happen if you were accepting of who you are right now? That certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t wish anything were different, but it offers the grace to do something because you want to, not because you need to. Or do nothing, if that serves you, as long as you are doing it with intention. There are certainly things that I don’t absolutely love about myself, but I can still love myself with those things present. Accepting myself as I am also opens the possibility to accept others exactly as they are. We’re all allowed to be imperfect, and to be wonderful anyway. And research shows us that being hard on ourselves doesn’t actually create any motivation or change.
What if you were open to the possibility of what could come? If we lock ourselves into one outcome, we miss all of the other roads that present themselves. If we are looking for one thing, none of the other things we see register. One thing that has always bothered me about goals and resolutions is that they are pass/fail. Either you met your goal or you didn’t. But me on December 31st with the wisdom of a year is not the me that set the goals on January 1st. Today Emily is not Future Emily. I want to allow myself to grow as I need to. I want to trust myself to end up where I do, without having a finish line when I start. I want to wander and see what I find. Do I have ideas for things I want for myself? Sure. Both those things are flexible - and entirely not pass/fail. My life isn’t pass/fail. And neither is yours.
But Emily, we love goals! It tells us where to go! We need direction! Are you saying never set any goals?
Nope. In many situations and for many people, setting goals absolutely does work, and work well. There’s nothing wrong with setting goals, I set goals with every single client I see. There’s nothing wrong with having a finish line - if that is what feels right and true to you. But that’s not where I am with myself right now. Do I have business goals? Family goals? Relationship goals? Absolutely. And you WILL NOT catch me getting rid of my to-do lists, of which there are many, because that’s what works best for my brain and for my life. But there’s also nothing wrong with scrapping that idea of constant striving and just let things be. The key here is doing things in a way that works FOR YOU. Not me, not the dude that wrote whatever goal-setting book or “New you!” Instagram post you’re reading, not your spouse or your bestie. YOU. And you also have full permission to change what you’re doing or toss a resolution, goal, intention, or plan mid-year because it just isn’t working for you. Remember: it’s not pass/fail. You’re allowed to change course literally whenever you want.
I am not a task to cross off a list, I’m not a finish line, and neither of those ideas feed the life I want. What I want is to live in my life, right here, right now. I don’t want to be Future Emily, and I can’t be. The only moment I have is right now (“No Day but Today” from Rent, anyone?) and I’ll never have it again. I don’t want to be anywhere else but right here and it’s quite literally impossible anyway.
Last year, I wrote a blog titled “An Open Letter From a Therapist: Hopes for 2022”. I’ve edited it a little, but am adding the passages below. If you aren’t sure where to start or even what you want, see what rings true for you as you read it and hold an intention to keep in mind for the day, week, month, quarter, or year. When you’re done with it, let it go.
