What NOT to Say to Someone Struggling with Fertility — (And How to Actually Support Them)
Fertility challenges can be invisible and isolating. What may look like a calm exterior can often mask a lonely road of heartbreak, medical stress, financial strain, and an exhausting emotional rollercoaster.
For those watching someone they love walk this path, it can be hard to know what to say. The desire to help is very real—but so is the risk of unintentionally saying something that stings deeply.
If you love someone who is trying to conceive and struggling, this guide is for you. Whether they’re going through IVF, experiencing pregnancy loss, navigating a child-free path, or just silently hoping each month will be different, here are some things to avoid saying—and what to do instead.
What Not to Say
1. "Just relax. It'll happen."
This phrase is well-meaning but dismissive and invalidating. It suggests that stress is the only real problem and that your loved one could solve everything if they just calmed down (so not true). Fertility is complex, and while stress management can help support overall health and provide some comfort, it isn’t a cure.
Instead try saying: "I can only imagine how hard this must be. I'm here for you no matter what."
2. "At least you know you can get pregnant."
Often said after a miscarriage, this comment is intended to be hopeful — but it actually lands as invalidating and painful. Pregnancy loss is still loss, no matter what stage, and there's nothing comforting about being reminded of what almost was.
Instead try saying: "I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here to sit with you in this, for as long as you need."
3. "Why don’t you just adopt?"
Adoption is a valid path to parenthood if that is what someone wants for their family — but it's not a quick fix or an easy substitute. It has its own emotional, financial, and legal complexities. Suggesting it casually can feel like you're minimizing the depth of someone's grief and longing.
Instead try saying: "I know this process is incredibly hard. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you."
4. "Everything happens for a reason."
For someone who’s grieving, implying that their suffering is part of a some unknown greater plan can feel dismissive and even cruel. Most people would rather be met with compassion than platitudes, especially if their faith differs from yours. Many people who are grieving may also be struggling with their faith, whether or not they’ve shared that with you.
Instead try saying: "This is so deeply unfair. I wish I could take away your pain."
5. "My cousin's friend did IVF and now they have twins!"
Every fertility journey is different are there are no guarantees. While it’s natural to want to share hopeful stories, they can often come off as pressure-filled or dismissive. Your loved one might feel like they’re being compared to someone else’s outcome.
Instead try saying: "If you ever want to talk or vent, I’m here to listen."
6. "You should try [insert miracle cure]."
From pineapple core to acupuncture to cutting out gluten, there are endless fertility tips floating around. Unless your friend is actively asking for advice, unsolicited suggestions can feel overwhelming and even patronizing. I can guarantee they’ve researched everything out there looking for something that might make a difference. And if it actually worked, I promise they would be doing it.
Instead try saying: "I trust that you're making the best decisions for yourself. If you want or need help researching, I’m here."
If you REALLY can’t stop yourself, you can try saying: “Would you like solutions or support?” But if they choose solutions, make sure they’re evidence based and helpful.
7. "Maybe it’s just not meant to be."
This one can feel like a gut punch. It implies that giving up is the right choice or that your friend’s pain is somehow predetermined. Validate their feelings rather than trying to make sense of something that might never make sense.
Instead say: "I hate that you’re going through this and I wish I had something to say that would help. I’m here with you."
How to Offer Real Support
Knowing what not to say is important—but so is knowing what to do. Here are some meaningful ways to show up for someone facing fertility challenges:
1. Be present without fixing.
Sometimes the best support is silent. Sit with them. Text them on the day of a big appointment. Let them cry or be angry without trying to make it better.
2. Acknowledge the invisible grief.
Fertility struggles often include silent grief: the loss of imagined futures, the mourning of pregnancies that never were, the pain of anniversaries that only they remember. Recognize that grief, even if you don’t fully understand it.
3. Follow their lead.
Some people want to talk about every detail; others want to compartmentalize. Ask what they need. Let them know they can tell you if they want space or support—and then honor that.
4. Offer specific help.
"Let me know if you need anything" is lovely, but often too vague. Try:
"Can I bring dinner over after your appointment? I can just drop at the door or sit with you."
"Do you want someone with you at the doctor? I can be there with you."
"I can walk your dog or take care of errands if you need a break."
5. Remember important dates.
Mark the dates that matter: embryo transfers, due dates that never arrived, anniversaries of loss. A simple "Thinking of you today" text can mean the world.
6. Be mindful of your own updates.
If you're pregnant or parenting, know that your joy may be painful for someone in the midst of infertility. You don’t have to hide your life—but you can be sensitive and respectful. Give them space to opt out of conversations or events that might be triggering. It’s not about not wanting to share your joy, it’s about really deeply wishing they had that joy too.
7. Keep showing up.
Fertility journeys can stretch on for months or years. Don’t disappear after the first few weeks. Keep checking in, even if your friend seems quiet or distant.
8. Say their baby’s name.
They aren’t going to be hurt more by being reminded of their child. They remember their child every day anyway, and often other people speaking their child’s name and remembering their child matters a LOT.
