What to Expect… When You’re Postpartum
A note before we start: Sometimes, things go REAL sideways and everything we knew flies out the window. If you’re there, these tips are not going to be enough to help - you need to talk to someone directly who can help you heal from what has happened. Check out one of our therapists, the Moms Mental Health Initiative provider list, or the Postpartum Support International directory to find the right person to help.
During pregnancy, most of us picture how life will look when we welcome our new baby into the world. Our baby will be born smoothly and on time, we’ll recover quickly, the baby will feed, sleep, and grow as expected, and we’ll have all the support we need and feel well-adjusted to our new role.
Magical, right?
Unfortunately, that just isn’t reality for most new parents. Having a new baby is hard, even under the best of circumstances. That isn’t fatalistic - it’s just true. I often tell clients that everybody has their hard in parenting - no one has an easy time the whole way through. For some of us it’s fertility, some have a rough time with pregnancy, birth, infancy, feeding, sleeping, medical needs, or toddlerhood. Some people have more or less of the hard, but no one gets through on “easy” the whole time, even if it looks that way on social media.
So if we know that’s true, and we can’t predict which parts are going to be the hard ones… what do we do with that to set ourselves up for success? Set realistic expectations that include a really hefty dose of flexibility.
Sounds great, Emily. Now HOW do I do that? Start with these ideas:
Self Compassion
For starters - just be nice to yourself. Acknowledge that you’re not going to do everything super great all the time. You literally can’t be great at everything, it’s just not possible. Give yourself a little grace on things, remind yourself that you’re doing your best.
Whether or not you gave birth to your baby, this is a huge adjustment. Continue to remind yourself that this is a BIG deal. You need time to rest, you need time to recover, you need time to settle in. Give yourself the space and time to do that. Understand that your body and mind need time to adjust to any major changes, and this change happens to be really major.
Self Trust
So far, you have a 100% success rate at getting through every day of your life. That’s a pretty great track record. You will figure it out. Or you will figure out who can help you figure it out. You don’t have to know all the things yet. Also, your baby has literally no idea how to be a human so it’s not like they know more than you do and are judging you. Trust that you can do this - because you can.
Self Advocacy
Stick up for yourself. With your doctor, your partner, your overbearing family member, the judgey lady at Target. Say no to things you don’t have the energy for, or just don’t want to do. Set boundaries where you need to (and know that someone else not liking your boundary doesn’t mean it’s a bad boundary). Know when you need additional help - and ask for it. Again, you don’t need to know everything, you just need to be able to ask for help when necessary.
Flexibility
This is probably the most important one. Things won’t always go as planned. There will be times something like feeding doesn’t go as expected, or baby doesn’t nap the one time you really really need them to nap at a certain time. Hold flexibility where you can. While routines are important and can be reassuring, holding to them so tightly that there is no room for adjustment is a recipe for disappointment and disaster. It’s also ok to have a couple of non-negotiables, and offer additional flexibility in other areas.
It’s ok to have expectations, goals, and hopes when you’re postpartum.
For example, maybe it’s really important to you to breastfeed your child. That’s great. You can have that goal, and also have all of those components above. You can have self compassion when it’s harder than expected. You can trust that you’ll figure it out in one way or another. You can advocate for yourself by seeing a lactation consultant, or setting the boundary that you don’t want to be pushed to give up. And you can be flexible - maybe some formula feels ok if you’re able to nurse when you’re together. Or partner feeding baby a bottle overnight is an ok compromise so you can get some extra rest.
Remember - there’s no prize for doing this all perfectly. You’re allowed to grow and learn and change - and shift where you need to. The ability to ask for help and be flexible with your expectations is a lesson that will continue to surface throughout your parenting years. Following the tips above helps cement that early - and lets you find more enjoyment in your relationship with your child now and in the future.
Postpartum planning resources:
ERA’s Postpartum Planning blog and Postpartum Plan Questions
Postpartum Plan from PSI
Discussion Tool from PSI
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts & What About Us by Karen Kleiman
Cribsheet by Emily Oster
