5 Things Every New Parent Needs
There are billions of lists out there on the internet of all of the baby gear that you “need”. They’ll tell you all of the stuff that you just have to get before your baby gets here. Pacis and strollers and swaddles, OH MY!
Do you really need all of that stuff? Probably not. (Also, as my husband so eloquently pointed out when we were expecting our son and I was elbow deep in spreadsheets of all of the stuff we had to get to prepare - stores will continue to exist after the baby is born.)
So what do you actually need?
Your Person
Guys. You can’t do this completely alone. But heyyyyy Emily, what about the single parents out there? No worries. What you need is a solid partnership with someone. It can be a spouse, other romantic partner, your mom, your bestie, whoever. But you need someone that will bail you out when things get hard and you need a break. And they will get hard. Make sure your person knows how to help you. That might mean taking the baby so you can sleep, bringing you takeout for dinner, washing your dishes, or listening to you vent. Do not bottle all that up, it’s not going to go well. Asks for breaks as you need them, before you get to a point where you’re drowning. Needing a break isn’t weak or lazy or a failure. It’s human.
With that: communication! You gotta talk to your partner. Are babies wonderful? Yes. Absolutely. But they will also identify any weakness that they see and blast a hole right through it. They’re like little tiny adorable ninjas. You have to be able to communicate to your partner what you need. They can’t read your mind, and you can’t expect them to know what you need unless you tell them.
Parent Friends
You need some people who get what you’re going through right now. But these people don’t live in your house. These are the people that are going to respond to your text in the middle of the night when you’ve been up for hours and OH MY GOD WHY WILL THIS CHILD JUST NOT CLOSE ITS EYES. They’ll give you gentle suggestions and tell you that you’re fabulous. They’ll tell you you’re a wonderful parent and your kid is lucky to have you and that kids are sometimes assholes and do things that do not make sense and that is not something you’re failing at. And they’ll love your kids too and tell you how cute they are when you share the 578th picture that day. Trust me, you need these people. Find them and cherish them.
They don’t have to be in-person people. Some of my very best mom friends are people I’ve met online. There are a ton of different pregnancy and parenting forums out there where you can find some really cool people that feel like family. (You know who you are, my people! 😘)
Boundaries
Whooo this is a tough one, but you have to have them. This is your child. You decide how to raise them and what they sleep in and what you allow into their lives. You have to speak up when something bothers you. You have to be able to teach your mom how to use a car seat properly, or tell your grandma that no we cannot put pillows in the baby’s crib. Yes, even if you think they’d really like it and it’s a really cute pillow and in my day people put pillows in their kid’s cribs and they turned out fine. You have to be able to tell your neighbor that they can’t come over and hang out when you just got home from the hospital and need to sleep and adjust to a brand new person in your home.
Boundaries are always important, but even more so when you have a newborn. People are really excited about babies and will have all kinds of ideas and suggestions for you. You don’t have to follow all of them. And your baby won’t respond to all of them the way theirs did. You’ll find your own way to raise your own baby, and that’s something that only you can do as you learn and grow together with your baby.
A Way to Ask for Help
Nobody wants to prep for everything going sideways. But the things I hear over and over from parents I talk to:
“I wish I would have asked for help sooner.”
“I wish I would have known what to look for.”
“I wish someone would have told me this could happen.”
Postpartum mood issues aren’t just sadness. It makes sense to look into some warning signs, and just be aware of what could come up, especially if you are in a group at higher risk for PMADs (colicky baby, prior history of mood disorders, difficult pregnancy or birth, etc.). Check out a good list of predictors and risk factors from Postpartum Support Virginia here.
Postpartum Support International has some great tools on their website, including this discussion tool that can help you talk to your support people or providers about how you’re feeling. This screening tool, the EPDS, can also be helpful in identifying if you need to get more help. And while we’re at it, here’s a directory of providers that specialize in pregnancy and postpartum mood disorders if you do need more help.
Yourself
Don’t lose yourself in this. Trust that you can do this, because you absolutely can. Be kind to yourself. Listen to what your body is telling you.
Is it going to be hard? Yeah. But it’s also going to be really really wonderful.
You, as you are, are the exact right parent for your child. Not the you once you learn to be patient, or lose ten pounds, or get better at whatever you feel like you’re failing at. The “you” right in this very minute.
You’re going to do great.
