Building a Solid Foundation - Expectations in Relationships
Managing expectations in our romantic relationships can be tricky, and also important. Each relationship is going to look and feel different. Dynamics can also change within the same relationship as the individuals grow and learn more about themselves, life, and each other.
If managing expectations in relationships feels tough for you, I get it! Let’s look at some baseline expectations that are common across relationships.
Respect
In any relationship, it’s safe to say that one can expect to feel seen, heard, and respected. Feeling respected lays the foundation for trust, safety, and security. Feeling seen and heard opens the door for communication, which then opens many other doors, including the ones to the rest of this list.
Further than just a basic level of respect - it’s also important to remember that we all have our own histories, maybe traumas, families, and notions of what relationships are “supposed” to look like. We come to relationships in different ways, which can be really cool, and also a learning curve. It can be important to learn what triggers each other, what they need when feeling dysregulated, and how to support each other. It’s important to hear (and respect) each other’s histories as this deepens your understanding for each other.
Autonomy
Another thing to keep in mind when it comes to expectations in relationships is remembering that each of you remain individuals. It’s important to keep our autonomy, and be the person we want to be both at the individual level, and in the relationship. When individuality is lost, enmeshment in the relationship occurs. And while some may think being so close that the couple shares every fiber of their being, it’s actually a bit unhealthy. You get to still be you, they get to still be themselves, and you get to celebrate what makes your relationship unique.
It’s also not our job to “fix” each other or control behaviors. We are all imperfect humans trying to figure out life. It’s fair to expect that we will grow as individuals through the vehicle of our relationships, but growth cannot be forced. There are ways to offer feedback to each other, while remembering it is up to each person to internalize said feedback. It really can be such an honor to be messy humans together- learning, growing, laughing, and doing this thing called life.
Consistent Effort
Continuing to build - we all have our own wants, needs, and desires. These manifest in different ways for each of us. We need to know and remember that it is our responsibility to express these wants and needs; our partners cannot read our minds! Additionally, it’s important to make efforts to meet each other’s wants, needs, and desires. The frequency at which we meet wants is going to vary across relationships. We do need to make efforts to meet each other’s needs on a regular basis, as this ties into feeling seen, heard, and respected. Putting consistent effort into your relationship, and getting consistent effort from your partner in return works wonders to solidify the feeling that you are truly a partnership.
(Remember our blog where we talked about making consistent efforts? Read it again for a refresher on some ideas!)
Positive Regard
As we make efforts to learn and grow together, it’s important to focus on the positives in our partners, and not always assume ill intent. Giving each other positive regard fosters more positivity. Internally focusing on what you like and love about them encourages positivity. Sharing these thoughts with each other helps to grow fondness and admiration.
Now this doesn’t mean ignoring the bad or negative things that need attention; what it does mean is working through the tough stuff to get back to feeling positive at baseline. We need to remember that neither one of you is always going to get it “right.” Even when things get a little wonky, giving each other the benefit of the doubt will often lead to better understanding, and less resentment. Remembering positive moments about each other, or from the past, helps us find the balance of addressing what needs to be addressed, while keeping positive regard.
